Weird But Affordable Pets

Background to this post: there is a long-haired dachshund puppy living somewhere near my apartment that I cannot even be around, because she is too cute. A few weeks ago I saw her tethered outside Dumont Burger, waiting for her owner, and I stopped to give her a pet and confirm that she was a good dog. Whilst confirming this, the thought actually crossed my mind that if I put her under my coat and casually walked back to my apartment, she would probably not bark at all, and there would be no witnesses. And then I was like, holy shit, I am an evil, creepy, dangerous person.

In the interest of not committing a felony, I have recently considered getting a pet, any pet, until I am financially solvent enough to afford a dog. Some possibilities:

1) A turtle

Turtles are pretty awesome, and they look happy enough living in captivity, so long as you provide them with a large rock, turtle-food flakes, and clean water. Although, in regard to the water, it don’t think it has to be tooo clean, because I have seen turtles heartily enjoying themselves in what is basically pond scum.

2) Fish

I personally do not understand the allure of fish, because all the fish I had as a child committed suicide by jumping out of their tank. Other people seem to like them, though, and my friend just got a pet fish named Pierre who actually seems very charismatic, so I could be wrong.

3) Hermit crab

Super cheap. They cost like $20, tank included, and their food each month is approximately $3 for the pellets. Only thing they are maybe lacking in is personality.

4) Hamster/ gerbil/ other member of the rodent family

The rodent family is rife with great potential pets. Take for instance Capybaras, the largest and most adorable rodents in the world. They make great nappers, swimming companions, watch-rodents, etc:

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5) Internet suggestion I do not agree with: a spider or snake

I don’t care what people say, spiders cannot be pets. A spider is incapable of affection. All it will want to do, even if you guys live together for 20 years, is poison you. Charlotte’s Web is a very well-written, super-sad LIE. Also, I’m sorry, but how can you love something with those creepy, murderous eyes? All spiders think about is murdering things.

Snakes aren’t as bad. I used to catch them in my garden when I was 8. Still, you have to feed them other live animals, like mice and crickets, which is sad, and they smell funny.