As our country’s permanent festival of capitalism and conspicuous consumption marches forward, prepare for some holiday-infused reminders of what you, your family, and friends must absolutely buy to stay happy. And this year, what you absolutely need to buy is the Internet, but on devices.

Just because you get the news about all the wonderful things happening in technology, doesn’t mean you know what the fuck it means. Luckily, we break it down for you, in a hilarious manner, so your friends think you’re smart and know stuff. The Internet is in an ongoing uproar

Step into a world of adventure with the San Francisco Beer Passport. There’s no better way to explore San Francisco than to literally drink it in. This passport is amazing! Each one contains 27 coupons to buy one beer, get a second beer FREE at 27 of the finest locally

  Really? After everything that went wrong with your last iPhone, you are seriously thinking about wasting money on another iPhone? “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” said Einstein. “But the new iPhone will have this, that and the other thing!” Okay, Toby.