Dolores Park Etiquette – Part 2 – Hipster Hill

The elusive hipster in its natural habitat.  Photo from WhatImSeeing.com

The elusive hipster in its natural habitat. Photo from WhatImSeeing.com

Welcome to the second installation of our three part series, Dolores Park Etiquette.  This week we are focusing on Hipster Hill:

Dolores Park used to be for everyone. A place where hippies, junkies, hipsters, moms, kids, dogs, tennis players, garbage collectors, creepster wack job drum circles and everyone in between used to be able to hang out. And its not that they don’t anymore — trust me, I’ve seen more baby children get exposed to shit even I’ve never seen happen on any given weekend.

But truth be told, the hipster army has moved in, just like everywhere else in the Mission. But somehow, they can’t seem to take their bad and disgusting habits with them. Hipster Hill has become famous — it has been talked about, written about, visited and seen by just about every person in the city. Some may even contest it has become a bigger attraction than its Hippie ancestor. Nonetheless, this eventual toxic waste dump is a huge eyesore on the weekends, filled with stick thin trick cyclists, chubby bacon and Pabst enthusiasts and more crushed beer cans than any cleanup team could handle.

So, in order to fully experience Dolores Park in true trashy hipster fashion, here are a few guidelines we’ve set as a general bar. Whether you run under it, over it or into it is up to you.

–Bring lots of canned beer, particularly PBR or Bud.

–Buy one of these to totally make your cheap beer ironic…again.

–Never bring food. You wouldn’t want to gain all that weight back from the coke binge you had at Pops the other night.

–Keep your fixie close by; you just got those new, bright pink Fyxation tires put on and you’re trying to keep them as clean as possible.

–Bring an old boombox that you’re pretty sure doesn’t work, sounds horrible, but will look REALLY COOL. Your eardrums may start randomly bleeding when you’re 35, but who gives a shit, right!?

–Blast some Beastie Boys or anything equally as annoying coming out of blown out speakers.

–Randomly yell at girls and guys walking by, classifying them by the first thing you see through your drunken haze. Example: “Hey fixie!”

–Some topics of discussion: Veganism, your band’s big break [no, for real this time], the latest reviews on Pitchfork, how good your hipbones have been looking lately, the Ksubi sale on Haight.

photo from AndWeLove.wordpress.com

photo from AndWeLove.wordpress.com

–Make a slip and slide out of plastic garbage bags, create toxic sludge from sliding in beer, vomit, coke, shit and whatever else is out there already. But don’t clean it up — why in the world would you want to do that?

–Anytime you see an Asian person, just throw your recyclables at them. They collect that shit, right?

–Be sure to bring lots of condoms in case you hook up with some beezies — I hear they’re biodegradable.

–Whatever look you’re going for, don’t half-ass it.  This guy sure didn’t

Will Hipster Hill always be a trash heap of too little clothes and too much Aquanet? Or should we all just join in and do bumps off each other’s knuckles and call it a day?

Additions to this list are greatly appreciated. We really want to know what you’re doing over there to make green grass look like the entire state of Texas took a shit on it.

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About the author

Monica Miller - The Intern

Ms. Miller was born in San Diego, CA to one lesbian mother and one righteous, cheap father. Currently, she is enrolled at San Francisco State University for a B.A. in Journalism and the approximate completion date is around 2015. She has worked for many papers in the Bay Area, including the Oakland Tribune and the San Mateo Country Times and is currently the city editor at one of the most underappreciated publications in SF, the Golden Gate [X]press. Though she may find bargains aplenty, it only stems from the necessity of never landing an actual job and working for hacks [like Stuart.] With intelligence, style, poise, bite, and honesty, she will rip your heart out; but not before writing some awesome, poignant shit. This year, she is looking forward to bigger and better things such as: trying to get paid for a gig, actually finding a date that isn't a loser or fucking crazy, not calling her parents when hungover and bringing you the best of the 7x7 everyday of the week. [By the way, I wasn't kidding about the date thing; if you love food, booze and shoegaze, get at me.]

28 Comments

  1. Erik Kolacek says:

    You nailed it. Jesus. LMFAO.

  2. Sam Chase says:

    Talking shit about hipsters makes you a hipster. Pretty sure that is an essential part of maintaining your hipster authority over lower hipsters. You obviously know enough about hipster culture. It is hard for me to believe that you are a non hipster spy who has infiltrated the hipster society. Just admit that after you wrote this pretentious blog at a coffee shop on your macbook that you most likely put it in your timbuktu shoulder bag, got on your fixie/moped/ironic meter maid vehicle that you got on craigslist etc and booked it over to Dolores park just in time for “hipster happy hour.” I’ll be there to greet you with a can of Pabst, the news that Wolfmother is actually back in the studio, and ready to talk shit about how everyone here is a dumb hipster. K, I’m done. Now back to facebook (which is way cooler than twitter because twitter is full of hipsters).

  3. monica. says:

    thanks erik. i try. ;]

  4. monica. says:

    sam –
    try getting laid sometime. i hear it works wonders for passive-agressive types. ;] you might actually get off facebook once in awhile, too. :]

  5. my take-away here is that I hope my eardrums don’t start randomly bleeding when I turn 35.

  6. Shameless says:

    Totally know someone: Never go to hipster hill unless you’ve gotten texts from at least three groups of friends saying that they’ll be there first. That way you can randomly yell when they “happen” to walk by. Then stand up and show off your hipster hug of the week. (Bonus points for covered mouth jaw drop and head shizzle) Also, you can bolt from your boring friends because you gotta hang with someone cooler down the hill.

  7. Cuhsandra says:

    Sam Chase is an asshole.

    This made me ‘LOL’. Kudos on the Dolores lists. But I don’t think the asshole Sam Chase appreciates it as much as we do. (I have a firm belief he is exactly the type of Hipster you are writing about)

  8. Cuhsandra says:

    Oh shit!!! What was I thinking?!?

    THIS IS SAM CHASE:

  9. Cuhsandra says:

    Link to Sam Chase picture

    http://www.latfh.com/page/3

    Sam Chase is not happy he was a laughing target on LATFH, and now on brokeassstuart.com … Hopefully he’ll drown his sorrows in an 8 ball, and some Grizzly Bear.

  10. Kira says:

    indeed. i love this series! I especially enjoy the attention you bring to ‘hipsters’ NOT cleaning up after themselves. i mean, at least hippies throw away their roaches & give a shit about the community space they occupy. or at least I’d like to think so….either way people, please be aware of your surroundings & respect the spaces you use. is that such a difficult concept?

  11. Luke says:

    brokeass stuart youre totally right, i avoid dolorespark like a case of N1H1 flu, im glad there are still some humans not hypnotized into this hipster zombiedom in this city

  12. Sam Chase says:

    haha. Jesus Christ guys. It was just a joke. Lighten up. You all are like a freakin sewing circle.
    *looks sad like this guy: http://flickriver.com/photos/willotoons/517234083*
    It was a funny article. I liked it. Just a bit pretentious. Well, back to my sad little hipster world where I obviously don’t get laid and feel bad that you all think I am an asshole. wah.

  13. md rutherford says:

    I’m with sam. sorry guys.

  14. Maybe the only way to not be a hipster is to call yourself one. Kinda one of those “The Truth Will Set You Free” scenarios.

    Honestly, do I fit in the “hipster” category? Probably. Do I care? Not really. It’s just like one of those Chinese finger traps, the harder you try to pull away, the more it has you.

    My real problem with hipsterdom is the holier than thou mentality that comes along with anyone who gets WAY too into being part of a scene. Just look at religion for example: Jesus, Mohammed and Moses were probably pretty cool cats. The problem is that the people who get way hard into their respective scenes (religions) are just like hipster assholes. It’s like, “If you’re not into what I’m into then you must be a fucking infidel”.

    Another thing I notice is that a lot of the younger cats have more helpings of the bad attitude associated with hipsters. When I was in high school, looking different and being into non-mainstream things was an act of bravery. The younger cats take their “rebellion” for granted. These days being into hipster type shit is only a half step away from being in the mainstream.

  15. Luke says:

    the lamest thing a bout the hispter folk is their holier than though attitude, if you dont look exactly like all of them (tight pants, greasy hair, dirty beard, fixie bike) they automaticaly think they are cooler than you, wtf? they think everyone wants to join their scene, so they are rude and impolite, usually they stare you down for no reason and have no sense of respect, but , overall , it is a new generation, so its fine, it is their scene so they can go hog wild, just as long as they dont disrespect those of us going about our merry way, i cant tell you how many times hipsters dash in their stupid bikes pass red lights almost knocking walking folks over

  16. one says:

    dirty fucking hippies.

  17. I was just in the Park. Fucking cigarette buts everywhere! Then, on the walk home, I saw a girl letting her dog shit in the middle of the street, and not cleaning it up!!!

    I looked at her and said, “Are you REALLY not going to clean it up?” and her reply was “Well I don’t have a bag for it. Do you?”

    my response was, “No, but I don’t have a fucking dog”

    GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE!!!

  18. Doc Sportello says:

    This article is pulling the same holier-than-thou elitist bullshit that people claim to hate hipsters for.

    You don’t like people because they dress a certain way? ride a certain kind of bike? drink a certain kind of beer? listen to certain bands?

    That’s a bit lazy and hypocritical, isn’t it?

    Instead, let’s dislike people for leaving trash in the park, not picking up their dog shit, and being shallow and judgemental. We don’t need a played out word that vaguely describes half the city’s residents under 30 for it.

    We can just call them assholes, regardless of how they’re dressed.

  19. monica. says:

    hey doc –
    here’s a prescription for a chill-the-fuck-out. its satire. anyone who takes this shit seriously [IE: you] has bigger problems on their plate.

  20. monica. says:

    and HG, if you were looking for a free promo for that lackluster comment, forget it.

  21. Hipsterz?! WhatEver!

    Delores Park WARNING!

    There is NO free WiFi. Anywhere.

    You want WiFi?

    You come to Me.

    You wanna e-mail Bipsy by the J-Church?

    Eh?

    You come to me.

    I deliver.

    seth maxwell malice
    Messenger of Death
    -delores sector-

    -tips expected-

  22. corr:

    messenger of seth

  23. Doris Gonzales says:

    The term “hipster” itself is gross.

  24. Doris Gonzales says:

    Who’s got a cig?(preferably AMERICAN SPIRITS)

  25. Sethmalice says:

    So what happened with the Park? saw a bunch of Hipsters jogging earlier today, but then I saw that they wee being chased by a homeless guy with a greasy taco. Now Ive been chased by Greasyer Taco’s then thsat, but really…what the fuck???

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