Broke-Ass Guide to Staying Warm
Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, whatever you wanna call it, it has ravaged the East Coast like a wayward buccaneer in a tawdry romance novel. I’m sure all you West Coasters are sipping on margaritas and kicking off your flip-flops and thinking good luck with “that.” While the rest of us seek refuge in stolen cable and delivery Thai food. Since I already tackled the subject of staying cool in the summer, I figured I would share some of my practical and not-so practical advice when it comes to surviving the Winter fallout of ’10.
Warm up by the Fire
I remember going to a friend’s house in Middle School who had one of those gas fireplaces with the fake logs. And I swear to god I even think it was clap-automated. I thought it was so cheesy at the time and would relish throwing Tic Tacs and other oddities into it just to watch it burn. Well I would give my phantom left nut for one of those now or even one of those electric fireplaces the Amish are always trying to sell you. For those of you stuck with a non-working fireplace or no fireplace at all, I recommend the Instant Fireplace DVD. Just picture yourself, all wrapped up on the couch, staring adoringly into the roaring fire on your computer/TV screen and feeling the imagined warmth take you over. There’s been stories of survivors who went without food but made it out in the end just because they could “imagine” all the wonderful things they would eat when they got home. Think of this as another exercise in positive thinking minus all that starvation stuff.
Whether it’s a significant other, a friend, or even one of those creepy boyfriend arm pillows, my scientific opinion is that spooning doubles or triples your body heat so it’s like sleeping next to the radiator. Either it’s time to get friendly with your roommates are start making some phone calls. But when you do call, don’t say it’s just to “spoon,” I’ve had that done to me before and it always comes off as creepy. I actually sort of hate the word spooning, but I am definitely a fan of the concept. Just grab a partner, some Ambien, and some Animal Planet, and you’ll whether out this storm in no time.
There’s a reason why that snowman in the Campbell’s soup commercial melts into a child. Hot food=instant warmth. But canned chicken noodle soup isn’t going to help you or your soul in this weather. That means it’s time to bring out the big guns. Think curry powder, hot sauce, Sriracha, basically anything that will make you sweat continuously after eating it for a couple hours. You’ll be so busy dabbing your forehead and downing Pepto, that you won’t feel the cold anymore. Any sort of soup with four pepper icons next to it on the menu will do the trick as well. Just be able to set aside some crucial “lie on your back” time afterward.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. I once complained to a landlord who didn’t turn on the heat and she told me to make sure my windows were closed. Genius! So if you can’t control your buildings heat the one thing you can control, is making your own. Scrounge up an old oil drum or other industrial cast-offs and throw your trash in there and voila instant bum fire. I’m sure you’ve got some extra McSweeny’s and Wholphin’s lying around that you can throw in there. I hear porn burns really well too. Just disable the smoke detectors and if anyone complains about smoke, just saying your shake and bake when horribly awry.