Foodswings: Cheap Vegan Fast Food in Brooklyn

Cheap vegan fast food? What the fuck? I thought vegan food was all about lengthy meals involving earth tones, tea sipping, deep conversation, and hugs that last just a little too long for comfort. Oh wait, I forgot that it’s not just hippies that are veganing out these days, somehow the hipsters got tangled up in this protein deficient phenomenon too. At least the hipsters got the price thing figured out; everything on the menu here is under $9 and there’s tons of different fake meat options.

Personally, I like real meat, just like I like real tits, but I’m not gonna hate on anyone who feels the opposite…Ok, to be completely honest, I have had some pretty good fake meat in my life, but I’ve never actually felt fake tits before. Is that weird? There’s even a girl I dated briefly in college who’s gotten them since then, but it’s not like I can get fake boob reparations. I can’t just walk up to her and say, “Hey, since you didn’t have those when we were together, do you mind if I cop a quick feel? Come on, it’s not like I haven’t felt your tits before.” The thing is, for once in my life I’m not being pervy, this is strictly for scientific purposes. So hey, if you’re liberal with your fake tits and we run into each other, let me know if I can feel you up. Thanks in advance.

PS To all you vegans out there, don’t forget to take your vitamins. Nobody wants to hang out with an anemic with rickets.

FoodSwings
295 Grand Ave @ Havemeyer St.
[Williamsburg]


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About the author

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".

4 Comments

  1. Stuart,
    You’re not missing out on the fake tits thing.
    I went to a strip club years ago, one of those with tiny booths that the chick dances in front of your window – but in this case, there was no glass. She saw me, poked her head in and said “Wow, you have great tits! Can I feel?”
    Um, sure.
    Then she said “I just got mine done…wanna feel mine?” and put my hand on her newly minted knockers with gusto. I almost broke a nail, they were so tough and solid. I ooohed and aaahed and told her they were great between my teeth, but yeah…real is better (I might be a tiny bit biased).

    Sorry to head off on a tangent, but you put the tangent out there. I have no feelings about fake meat, but I do have an opinion about fake boobs.

    Your Fan in San Francisco,
    Dixie

  2. Dixie-

    Don’t get me wrong, I love real tits. They are my favorite things on Earth. I mean, they completely cloud my judgement and lead me to make poor decisions. But simply from an experiential point of view, I’d be bummed if I died with out at least feeling them just to know the difference.

  3. My ‘niece’(in the freak community, not by birth) is about to get hers done.
    She’s a stripper overseas…I’ll see if she’ll let you cop a feel on her next trip home, Stuart. A man should not die with one thing left on this wish list, and it sounds like you really wanna feel up some silicone hooters. Let’s make it happen!

    Dix

  4. awesome! Thanks :)

    There are few things more on my wish list I need to make happen before I die too actually, but that’s for a completely different forum.

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