Cheap vegan fast food? What the fuck? I thought vegan food was all about lengthy meals involving earth tones, tea sipping, deep conversation, and hugs that last just a little too long for comfort. Oh wait, I forgot that it’s not just hippies that are veganing out these days, somehow the hipsters got tangled up in this protein deficient phenomenon too. At least the hipsters got the price thing figured out; everything on the menu here is under $9 and there’s tons of different fake meat options.
Personally, I like real meat, just like I like real tits, but I’m not gonna hate on anyone who feels the oppositeâ€¦Ok, to be completely honest, I have had some pretty good fake meat in my life, but I’ve never actually felt fake tits before. Is that weird? There’s even a girl I dated briefly in college who’s gotten them since then, but it’s not like I can get fake boob reparations. I can’t just walk up to her and say, â€œHey, since you didn’t have those when we were together, do you mind if I cop a quick feel? Come on, it’s not like I haven’t felt your tits before.â€ The thing is, for once in my life I’m not being pervy, this is strictly for scientific purposes. So hey, if you’re liberal with your fake tits and we run into each other, let me know if I can feel you up. Thanks in advance.
PS To all you vegans out there, don’t forget to take your vitamins. Nobody wants to hang out with an anemic with rickets.
295 Grand Ave @ Havemeyer St.