Reasons Why Your Tinder Profile is Horrible

Stuart-tinder

I’m posting my profile to give you the option of making fun of me back.

If this is the first time you’re hearing about Tinder, I promise it won’t be the last, especially if I have your phone number. About a month ago I accidentally pushed the wrong button and invited my entire phonebook (1500+ people!) to Tinder. This included ex girlfriends, my parents, my grandma, and a girl I dated for a little while who responded with “Stuart. You already banged me.”

For the uninitiated, Tinder is the closest thing straight people have to Grindr (the very popular hook-up app for gay men). The main difference is that with Tinder, vaginas are involved. When vaginas are involved there tends to be a lot more negotiating, compared to when it’s just penises. Here’s a **very oversimplified** example of the differences between Grindr and Tinder:

Grindr: I’ve got a penis. You’ve got a penis. Let’s do something together with our penises!!

Tinder: I’ve got a vagina. You’ve got a penis. Let’s go out for drinks and see if there’s the possibility of doing something together with my vagina and your penis.

The way Tinder works is that people post up to five pictures and, at most, a line or two about themselves or maybe a quote (anyone who has a lot of words about themselves is already telling the world they are a crazy person). Then based on these five photos, the few lines of verbiage, and the friends and interests you share on Facebook, you  judge whether or not you’re attracted to someone. If both people say “yes”, it connects the two of you and you can begin negotiating whether or not you’re gonna meet for drinks and possibly do things together with your penises and vaginas.

Sounds simple right? Unfortunately some people are really fucking terrible at this Tinder thing. If you’re one of these people, here are the reasons your Tinder profile is horrible:

It’s impossible to tell who the hell you are:

tinder-2

Please don’t say “I’m the one in white”

The amount of profiles where all the pictures are just groups of friends is shocking. It’s like, am I supposed to fuck all of you? Tinder is not a popularity contest, no one cares that you have friends. The people viewing your profile are doing so to see if they want to hang out and possibly have sex with you. How often do you think someone shows up and their date thinks “Aw fuck! I was hoping it was the other one!”?

You’re Creepy as Fuck:

tinder-creepy

Look at his tagline! *shudder*

As a man the #1 most important thing you need to get across on Tinder is that you’re not creepy/rapey/murdery. You’re not frontin’ to make other dudes fear and/or respect you, you’re trying to get women to spend time with you. Look how fucking terrifying this guy is!

You’re in a photo with someone who is possibly your ex:

gay-tinder

Gay BFF or ex boyfriend who you’re still living with because you can’t afford to move out? 

Ladies: if you’re all snuggled up with a man in your photo, he should be so obviously gay that rainbows are shooting out of his ass or so old that he obviously can’t get it up.

Men: Having photos with yourself and really hot girls doesn’t mean ladies find you more desirable, it means they think you paid a stripper extra money to take a photo with you.

You look like you just ran 26 miles and 385 yards:

marathon-tinder

Ugh…my computer feels sweaty just from looking at this.  (photo from Ladyish)

You ran a marathon? Good for you! Now go take a fucking shower and change your clothes. No one wants to see you all sweaty and gross. You look like shit, everyone does after they run.

You have children in your pictures:

tinder-6

You have kids? How magical and special for you, but for fuck’s sake, get your kids out of your Tinder pictures! I’m sure you’re proud of your kids and love them very much, but that’s the kind of thing you let someone know once you’re already on a date with them. You don’t go to a bar with a t-shirt that says “I’m a mom!” do you?

And if you have someone else’s kids in your photos, we just think they’re your kids. No one thinks you’re the cool uncle.

You are a naked man:

naked-dude-tinder

Are you fucking kidding me? 

Whether you’re just baring some ass cheeks or actually hanging dong, NO ONE wants to see it. This isn’t fucking Grindr, remember? How have you gotten this far in life and not figured out yet that if a women wants to see you naked, she’ll let you know.

You are showing off your extreme sports skills:

rock-climbing-tinder

There’s a joke in here somewhere about things being “rock hard”

No one really cares what you look like while rock climbing, spelunking, skydiving, or competitive pig racing. They wanna know if you’re hot. Shredding that wave bro, doesn’t show if your face looks like it’s been shredded too.

Obviously photoshopping yourself:

photoshop-tinder

Ha!

Come on dude. Everyone knows you’re not a fucking underwear model. In fact you look like someone who should be way better at using photoshop. how are you gonna explain the discrepancies between you in real life and how you look in this photo?

Obscuring your face:

mysterious-tinder

Apparently she’s very proud of her chin

Making it so that its hard to see what your face looks like doesn’t make you mysterious. At very best it makes people question whether or not you completely understand the way Tinder works. Anyone who goes out with you despite not knowing what you look like is saying “I will literally fuck anyone”.

Being these guys:

tinder-4

The title to this should either be “Prelude to a Gang Bang” or “The Time Batgirl Got Caught in a Finger Trap”

There is no doubt that you gentlemen have very sculpted abs, but seriously, keep your shirts on. The only people who dig that shit are teenage girls and dudes on Grindr.

Having your picture be an avatar:

tinder-8

I’d totally hit that cartoon.

If you’re not comfortable being judged on the way you look, you need to stop using that app who’s entirety is baed on people being judged on the way you look.

 

I’m sure there are plenty more reason why your Tinder profile is horrible, but this is a good start. Please use these clues as a way to improve your own profile. I really want you to get laid.

Feel free to post your own gripes about Tinder in the comments section.

 

 

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About the author

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".
  • mclovin

    You do realise that is Buffalo Bill from ‘Silence of the Lambs’
    I can’t believe he’s on Tinder….everyone needs love

  • http://brokeassstuart.com Broke-Ass Stuart – Editor In Cheap

    Hahaha!

  • http://www.gaijinass.com Gaijinass

    Poor Ted Levine, he will never live that line down. Never.

  • http://andthehipposwere.tumblr.com pavement

    Stu, you have got to be the most logical person on the planet. This post made so much sense to me!

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  • http://None William

    Very entertaining read! The kind of people that don’t need to use Tinder to get laid (but use it anyway) already knows all of this!

  • KERPOW

    Aaron is just trying to show off his amazing quad muscle in the running picture
    Stu 1, Aaron 0

  • Brian

    way to stereotype gay men

  • http://n/a Natasha

    Hey Stu,

    Here I am, thinking I’m a Tinder power user…and then I find myself listed as a horrible example! I’m the one showing off my extreme sport skills.

    How about showing us the rest of your Tinder profile so we can see how to do it right?

    Best,
    Natasha

    P.S. You left out my first profile pic: http://tinypic.com/r/29dy2yc/5
    Shredded?

  • http://brokeassstuart.com Broke-Ass Stuart – Editor In Cheap

    I’m sure you’re very good at Tinder Natasha, you picture just came at the right time for my article :)

    Also, I will totally share the rest of my profile if you tell me how.

    Stuart

  • Bazinger

    As far as the picture with kids thing, that’s the kind of thing I’d like to know BEFORE the date, kids are a dealbreaker in my book.

    Also I had no idea people used Tinder to get laid, women are just as passive on there as in the clubs lol.

  • Dawn Elizabeth

    I’m several months late on the Tinder thing. My friend introduced me to it last week and I haven’t been able to sign in without re-installing the app several times.That made it awkward when some guy and I clicked and he wrote me … I couldn’t write back because … I COULD NOT LOG BACK IN. Haven’t signed in since because it’s too much trouble and I’m not that desperate to meet people anyway. But, reading your article, all those points can apply to any meet up sight. But Tinder doesn’t let you build a profile anymore (if it ever did) – you have to use your FB and it auto connects every time you open the app. Then it plugs in the info needed with what’s on your FB profile, pictures included. With that said, I changed my profile pic on my FB to one NOT of me and my kid … but Tinder draws the first three to four photos from your profile. So people can now see my kid as she’s one of the first 3 photos. I don’t agree with putting pics of you and your kid(s) on dating sites for safety reasons – but I always disclose that I have a kid on a first date/meeting because some people don’t want to date single moms. Why wait until the third or fourth date? So, I don’t care that people know I have a kid from my Tinder profile, I feel it’s honest and doesn’t waste anyone’s time; but I do care that I can’t make a profile independent of FB. And that it’s not easy to log in.