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Open Letter to Justin Keller

Dear Mr. Justin Keller,

Thank you for your letter voicing your concern over the current problems facing our fair city, San Francisco. I read that you’ve been here over 3 years, so I can imagine how hard it must be for you to see the city change from the clean, quiet tourist destination of 2013 to the vile, riffraff-saturated hovel of 2016. Let me assure you that we take this problem seriously and that we are ashamed and appalled by the few unsavory characters that ruined the special holiday weekend for your family, trekking from suburbs far and wide, as well as your poor girlfriend. As a result of your letter here are some changes we, as a city, will be making to insure that nothing like this ever happens again.

riffraff

Riff Raff. Ew.

To begin, I notice from your command of the written word that you are, as you say, highly educated. Personally, I have never seen commas used in quite such a sporadic, artistic manner. And as though your innovative approach to punctuation wasn’t enough, you casually garnish your letter with the philosophical musings of none other than the man himself, Socrates. It’s almost like you took Introduction to Philosophy and didn’t fall asleep at all. Impressive, Justin.

Taking your cue, we’ve decided that a well-educated population is a key first step to Make The City Great Again. I think you’ll be tickled to hear then that we have instituted a 99% tax on all income above $100,000, with the revenue going to support education for the poor, homeless, addicted and incarcerated. Just think, Justin, in nearly no time at all you’ll be walking to work without stepping over the foul reminders of a broken system. Instead, you and your fellow philosophers can finally spend the quiet morning hours discussing the utopia that your hoverboard delivery app, Roomba Service, is helping create.

roomba shark cat

Shark Cats delivered to your door in 30 min or less with Roomba Service.

Speaking of utopia, you are astute in noticing that the streets did seem a little, what’s a good way to phrase this… brighter during the Super Bowl. There were a few articles going around the Internet at the time, but I’m not sure if TechCrunch ran anything so I totally understand that you missed it. What happened was that our supreme leader, Ed Lee, created a clean up crew to rid our streets of the homeless and their disgusting tent cities. The problem is that the public is largely a bunch of pussies that pissed and moaned about it being El Nino season or something. I mean, get an umbrella, am I right? I know you feel me, Justin.

tent city

Poor people. And Camping. Gross

To appease those bitches but still Make The City Great Again, all the new, unsold glass condos in the city are now fair game for anyone living on the streets. I think you’re going to love this, Justin. Imagine, mom and pop strolling the lovely streets of SOMA without fear of scarring sights like urban campers, turned-away mental health patients or, worse, sickly old women huddled in trash cans for warmth. It makes me sick to think that your family was ever subjected to reality without so much as a trigger warning—sick, I tell you. I vomited right the fuck on my coffee table, Justin.

However, the future is bright. As you said, democracy is only temporary. I promise that soon we will reach that pinnacle of governance you and your boy Plato call tyranny—have I mentioned how refreshing it is to hear young people quoting Greek philosophers with such accuracy and attention to context? Well, it is. I feel like I did the first time I wet-wiped after a solid hangover dump. Fuck, it’s good. Seriously though, J-Bone, the first thing we’re going to do when the light turns dictator is rid the city of those who come here offering nothing, but taking what they please. Kooks, criminals, brogrammers and public vapers will be whisked away in all-white trucks straight to suburban Palo Alto where they can live in peace among Applebee’s, shopping malls and futuristic movie theaters. Bonus: no queers!* Until then, Justin, we’ll be seeing you around. Make sure you say hello if you pass us on the street so that we can thank you for all you’ve done in working to Make The City Great Again.

Sincerely and Apologetically,

San Francisco

*Not guaranteed. They often shape-shift, looking to the casual passerby like creatures with souls. Use caution when approaching strangers. The world is truly terrifying.

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Jason Crase

Jason Crase

Jason writes about whatever you pay him to. He has no scruples, dignity or moral compass. Approach with money.

He also dabbles heavily in loud music, black coffee & brain-melting conversations.

  • Confirmation_Bias

    Bwa ha ha!

  • SuckaFree

    “A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
    – Mahatma Ghandi

    The circumstances of the people described (and yes, they are people) is the actual concern here- not the minor inconveniences that what is unfortunately their reality causes “wealthy” uncompassionate transplants like this guy @johnny5sf.

    Their condition speaks more of us as a community than it does of them, in many ways. We claim to be civilized, but given this widespread and serious issue has been ongoing for decades, we collectively fail to meet the fundamental criteria of the defining characteristics of a “civilized” community.
    Yes, the city throws pittance money at homeless people and advocacy projects and say they are doing something. However, this is my hometown and I have personally watched the homeless/drug addiction/methods of addressing those with mental health issues situation here get worse- which means the systems in place are not efficient/effective. A portion of my tax money is paying for approaches to homelessness we have already proven are not solutions. It also seems most people give little to no thought as to how people become this way (homeless/drug addicted/etc.), which isn’t helping. Some of these homeless individuals worked hard in school and earned money in the past. I wonder if student debt has resulted in anyone becoming homeless.

    Time to reevaluate approach. (ah-hem, Sam Dodge)
    Time to utilize the resource of bright minds that think outside the box to do so. Time to develop solutions to the socioeconomic problems that created these issues in the first place, and perhaps eventually become a leading urban example in regard to the aforementioned societal problems. Time to make some actual progress as a civilization. Repeating the same methods over and over that you have proved do not work is the definition of insanity. Covering an infection with a band-aid isn’t addressing the problem, and is only going to create the perfect conditions for it to fester.

    As for Justin Keller, he doesn’t deserve attention or thought. The all-too-real issues at hand he so poorly attempted to address in his lame letter to Lee do.

    Sure, all the focus, energy, and momentum of so many residents of this city simultaneously tuning in/paying attention can be spent scoffing at this one transplant who wrote a letter, boasting that you’ve lived here longer than he has, typing snide generic “techie” insults indirectly targeted to him or Ed Lee…
    Or it can be spent coming up with sustainable ways to address the circumstances of these “homeless” humans- and a byproduct of that would be cultivating solidarity, compassion, and actual community.
    Which is more useful/worthwhile to you?

  • IsReal

    If people can’t afford to live in San Francisco, they need to find a more affordable city and stop harassing the residents who purchased property here. If the city doesn’t clean up its act there will be a lawsuit and removal of these government officials who are using SF for taxpayer funded for-profit schemes. As for broke-a**, he doesn’t help matters whatsoever.

  • Hi, IsReal.
    Clever what you did there with your name and photo pic! As for my own photo pic, you’re right about most everything except that bit about staying poor. I’m trying to get rich! Like, gross rich. It says so right there in my bio memoir. In fact, if you wouldn’t mind putting in an extra word for me with the big guy I could really use any Powerball tips he’s got up His sleeves. Thanks, IsReal!

    Love,
    Jason
    *hail satan*

  • John Donohoe

    Sorry. Help me out here. Where in Jesus’ teachings does he bid you to persecute and blame the poor for their poverty? My understanding is he asked us to teach the “least of us” as you would treat him. And I think something about compassion was in there too.

    But I agree this response doesn’t help much beyond what it was intended to do: shine a spotlight on the whiny, tone-deaf attitudes of a self-entitled elitist. But it was trying to be funny where Justin was sadly serious in his moaning feeble pissing into the wind. If he wants to really make a change, then he should do something.

    Oh and note to Mr. Crase (and everyone else): don’t focus on bad grammar when you are trying to take the piss out of someone. That’s played out. It distracts from any valid points you are trying to make about the substance of the issue.

  • John Donohoe

    Sorry. Help me out here. Since you invoked the name of Jesus I gotta ask you where in his teachings does he bid you to persecute and blame the poor for their poverty? To drive them away so the wealthy won’t have to be inconvenienced? My understanding is he asked us to treat the “least of us” as you would treat him. And I think something about compassion was in there too.

    But I agree this response doesn’t help much beyond what it was intended to do: shine a spotlight on the whiny, tone-deaf attitudes of a self-entitled elitist. But it was trying to be funny where Justin was sadly serious in his moaning feeble pissing into the wind. If he wants to really make a change, then he should put some actual effort out there. Not shake a warning finger at the government that they better do their job or they’re in trouble.

    Oh and note to Mr. Crase (and everyone else): don’t focus on bad grammar when you are trying to take the piss out of someone. That’s played out. It distracts from any valid points you are trying to make about the substance of the issue.

  • JohnLewpi6

    My guess is that Justin never, ever had to seriously worry about having no food or a home.

    Even in his follow up, Justin doesn’t realize that it’s not that his chosen “words are insensitive”, but that he is insensitive.

  • PineappleUpsideDownCat

    I may love you. My husband may be disappointed by that statement, but then again he hasn’t read this article yet and thus should probably reserve judgment til he does. At which point, HE will probably love you.

    Also, I want to nard-punch Justin til he drools brain tissue.

  • Den

    I think what annoys me the most about Justin’s post is that he has this sense of “entitlement” or as he says, “EARNED” his place in SF. He’s lived here 3 years! GTFO. Techie transplant prick

  • A nation is judged by how it treats its most vulnerable. It is utter shit heads like this fuck are the reason why I hate the born-rich.

    People like Justin Keller need to be told that they cannot have it all. He’s an entitled jackass that doesn’t get it : we have a massive gap of inequality and SF is the example of it and it is people like him are contributing to it.

    The wealthy cannot expect to exist in a society where they actively try to shield themselves from the poor. It is not sustainable to send jobs overseas decimating the lives of a once thriving middle class who all of a sudden do not have the purchasing power to buy their goods and services. The wealthy cannot shield themselves from the environmental pollution they have caused. They breathe the same air, eat the same food, drink the same water and walk the same earth as we do. They share the same closed ecosystem as you and I. They are not on another planet.

    Our society cannot live under this unequal system anymore. This affects all of us.

  • Come to Detroit, we’ll show you around. But don’t gentrify our city, we’ve already had enough of that. We don’t need snobby jerks who can’t check their privilege visiting here. Michigan, Detroit, Flint (cough cough), Northern Michigan, etc, are real places with real people with real problems like water with lead.

    Here’s some wisdom — privileged has poverty. This dude shows his apparent poverty of the soul.

  • Spritely Bill

    Whoa. I’m having a real hard ol’ time following this, but as a sometimes-fan of performance art, I believe it’s both entertaining and… well, it made me think twice about Jesus, that’s for doggone sure. And my second thought about Jesus is that he looks better with long hair. Definitely.

  • Jeffrey A Dean Jr

    Thank you

  • I read that stinker Justin’s article. I didn’t know what the circle thing was at the bottom and moused over it. Suddenly, a “Kuddo!” thing appeared and the counter went up by one. That motherfucker counted me as thumbs-upping his shitty post and I never clicked on anything. It’s no wonder that post has north of 7000 “kudos”. What a dirtbag. I hope he steps on a syringe.

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  • SuckaFree

    Hahhahahaha. What does this have to do with what I wrote?

  • SuckaFree

    You clearly didn’t read any of what I wrote, Jesus enthusiast.

    What does your reply have to do with what I wrote?

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  • Tre

    I dunno. I find his ‘tude’ refreshing. Like a warm beer on a hot sandy beach. Ok maybe not that refreshing. Luckily for us working schmos, karma’s a bitch and will probably one day bitch slap his neutrogena moisturized, follicularly perfect, weasel ass face. (Apologies to weasel asses.)

  • John

    Money can’t buy class.

    It also won’t buy him out of his spot against the wall when the time comes.