Places I’d Like to Go But Would Never Spend Money On

Do you ever wonder it would be like to be on vacation in “X” place, but either have way too many places on your list to go before that, or simply don’t see yourself spending money to go there?  Well, my friend, the following list is now giving you YOUR time to shine!  Also, this list will probably offend people.  Watch out, y’all, because you’re on the train to edgy-ville!  (Not really, though).

1. Poland

Don’t get me wrong, there is much to see in the various beautiful cities in this land, where the former Eastern Bloc, the nations of Scandinavia (sort of), and the National Socialist Nations of the rest of Europe (kidding!) meet.  Aside from the beautiful architecture and beautiful scenery, there are concentration camps!  But honestly, one of the biggest reasons I’m not too keen on going is just because it seems like it’s really cold all the time there.  Otherwise, I would like to see Poland, I guess I’m just not chomping at the bit.  But, here are some other cool things about Poland that really should make me be much less of a pampered little bitch already and get my ass there: Copernicus, Chopin, Roman Polanski, and the Guinness Book World Record Champion for the highest score on the arcade video game Tapper, Michael Przybocki are just SOME of the famous Poles and/or Pole-Americans of note!  Oh, and did you know there’s a DESERT in Poland?  I’m serious!

2. Seattle

OK, it’s the cradle of post-80s excess rock, and as I understand it, they have REALLY good coffee.  Major things working against it: (1) Humidity– I have a hair issue, (2) Sleepless in Seattle– just the existence of this movie counts against it, and I don’t care how involved the actual city of Seattle was in the production of this film.  Also, they wear fleece a lot.  I don’t know if I could commit to such things.

3. The Grand Canyon

I really and truly would like to witness this natural pehonmenon in person, but like…it’s in Arizona.  Other than my brother living there, I think I can probably live without going to the entire state of Arizona ever.  Though Tucson has a really nice Saguaro National Park.  Again, though, someone would have to fund this “vacation”.

4. Mississippi

Everything I’ve ever read/seen/heard about Mississippi has been BEYOND totally and utterly depressing. Unless I’m driving through it, you’ve really got to make a strong case for me to stop by.  I’m waiting, Mississippi, for a personal invitation/pitch.  Or you know, I could actually contribute to some sort of non-profit organization that directly helps low-income people and families, or dedicate my life to directly deconstructing the interlocking systems of oppression that cause entire places such as Mississippi to be the way they are.  Or maybe I could just write about it and shit on every place I’m not 100%  enthralled by for idiotic reasons.  Hm , well glad that’s settled.

5. The Philippines

I used to live in a neighborhood that bordered on a rather large Filipino community.  During all that time, I have still not heard one single thing from anyone directly about the Phillipines aside from anecdotes about Imelda Marcos, Lumpia, and Pan De Sal.  So basically, I totally wasted all that time and learned nothing about the Phillipines aside from what I’ve read in books.  You’d think, then, that this would be among my top choices.  But nope, I’d still rather go to Hawaii again.

6. Russia

You're the Ruskie now, dog!

Again, wouldn’t mind going here for free, but like…it looks cold.  Yes, I’m a “pussy” and a disgrace.

7. Canada (except Montreal)

There’s that cold facctor again!  I mean, if it’s pretty much a more whitewashed and allegedly cleaner US, than color me bored….and uninvested….in investing money…to go there.   For the record, though, I heart Kids in The Hall.

8. Antarctica

Hey what’s the coldest place on earth?  Wherever you won’t find me! I mean, not at least if you’re not footing my bill.  One of my friends spent half a year there and has yet to cease being obsessed with it.  I mean, I’m all for it, but if it’s a choice between this and Iceland, you can find me hanging out with Sigur Ros.