What Your Girl’s Male Celebrity Crushes Say About Them

Since no Broke Ass male writer has taken up the offer from Robert Redford-sympathizing commenter Erica to write a dude version of this post from last week, I’m going to go ahead and let you all exhale starting RIGHT NOW.

Here it be:

1.  The Jonas Brothers

If your girl likes them, you’re either a pedophile, or she might be afraid of men and/or sex.  These are three of the least sexually appealing boys I’ve ever seen in my life, not to mention that they’re obnoxiously and smugly pro-celibacy, which is possibly THE MOST FUCKING MORONIC thing on this planet we call earth.

2.   Jake Gyllenhall

Listen.  Hear me out.  There may be a certain shade of truth to the accusation that people who appreciate “The Jake” (an nickname exclusively limited to ye olde Anna G. noggin) may not have fully grown out of the liking non-threatening male phase of adolescence.  Butbutbutbut:(1) The percentage of overall body hair, (2) the sweaters, (3) the facial hair, (4) the grin, (5) the BUILD.  He’s a band apart, in a Godard-ian sense*, if you will, from the standard “rules” of attraction, as you can see that he is neither man nor boy.  He’s just Jake.  And no one can quite match what exactly he is.  Just sit back and enjoy the wood/sweater/stone juxtaposition.  This is no way has anything to do with the fact that I may or may not have a ripped out magazine picture of him displayed in my cubicle at work from this very same GQ shoot here.

* not really

3.  Brad Pitt

Okay, so there may not be anything quite as breathtaking as that one half-a-second part in Fight Club where they’re in the basement, and the camera lingers over Tyler Durden’s body for just a teensy little bit too long.  You know that you know what I’m talking about.  There’s no disputing that this man was at one point the ultimate epitome of male sex appeal.  The thing is, that shit has kind of worn out its welcome on the American (and possibly global) public, especially as he gets older.  What’s interesting is that semi-recent films like Burn After Reading and Inglorious Basterds have shown us that surprisingly, Pitt is a pretty brilliant character actor.  Something that, had you told me in 1995, I would have not been able to imagine.  What this all means is that there are two camps of Brad Pitt aficionados: (1) those who are still hanging on to the same old, tired “Sexiest Man Alive” dream and are laughably envious of Angelina Jolie, and (2) those who appreciate the ingenuity and pluck of an aging sex symbol in the context of the current state of pop culture.  This might be a good litmus test on a first date:  if your girl is in camp #1, then maybe this should should be your LAST date.

4.  Clive Owen

I remember the day I graduated to liking men instead of boys.  The reason I came to this realization?  Clive Owen.  As a teen, I’d had a long and embarrassing tradition of liking very pretty boys like Johnny Depp, etc.  But one day, the purely visceral and aggressive sexuality of Clive Owen in Closer hit me like a ton of bricks.  He made Jude Law look like a whimpering grandmother.  And as much as I think Daniel Craig is sexy, he’s totally the “poor man’s” Clive Owen, because not only is Clive Owen rugged as shit, but you can tell there’s something going on upstairs behind that smoldering gaze.  I ask you, is there anything sexier than a sexually confident, intelligent man?  Pat yourself on the back, buddy, because you might be comparable in some way to this gentleman.  YOU WISH.

5. Tom Selleck

The reason for any attraction whatsoever to Magnum P.I. himself is about 99.9% facial hair.  Anyone who says otherwise is fucking lying.  I can even almost forgive his coo coo NRA-loving bullshit simply because, let’s face it: that’s ONE HELL of a  mustache.  Facial hair is a strange phenomenon– a LOT of dudes can build entire reputations on their beards and/or mustaches, but others, unfortunately just look like there’s something wrong with their face.  Take it from me, though, more often than not, you’ll probably look good with at LEAST a 5 o’clock shadow.  That, my male friends, might be the best kept secret in the history of sex and dating.  You’re welcome.

6.  John Goodman

I recently took a facebook quiz entitled “Which TV Husband Suits You Best?”, with a result of John Goodman as Dan Connor on Roseanne.  I’m not sure if that’s a reflection of me sharing similar characteristics with the title character of this show (which, by the way, is entirely possible, and I’m going to go ahead and embrace that), or just that John Goodman is an adorable, charasmatic, cuddly teddybear with whom I’d more than love to have an equal partnership with for the rest of my life.  So basically, if your girl has a thing for John Goodman*, she probably doesn’t give a shit about swagger, “negging”, peacocking, or whatever it is that clown Mystery tells you to do.  Purely and simply, she’s looking for genuinely nice, supportive individual with a good heart, a sense of humor whom isn’t threatened by a woman who refuses to be a doormat, even if she is loud and not conventionally attractive.  Don’t let her down, asshole.

*I’d also like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to a wonderful piece of American cinema called King Ralph.  Never before has American vulgarity and crass-i-tude looked so appealing..and ADORABLE!

7.  Bill Murray

Women who like Bill Murray are women who appreciate good deadpan humor, comedy as an artform, and cinema.  However, the unfortunate side effect to the Bill Murray-liking phenomenon, is that girls like this (myself included, admittedly) can tend fall into a trap of consistently dating smug and/or passive-agressive, self-absorbed assholes.  There’s a very shaky line between awesome Bill Murray-like characteristics and dudes that are incurably insecure and yet refuse to take you seriously.  Dudes, I hope you know which side of said shaky fence you’re on.

8.  Robert Redford

Full disclosure: commenter Erica, as mentioned earlier, and I have been having an ongoing debate that essentially boils down to the following– Robert Redford vs Paul Newman.  Don’t get me wrong, Robert Redford was a very sexy blond man in the 70s, and starred (co-starred, really, though) in some of the best films of that era.  I mean, could there have been better casting for Jay Gatsby ever??  But, here’s the thing.  I have four words for you.  Those words are: The Way We Were, aka the WORST movie in the history of the world.  I have never seen any acting more wooden and vomit-inducing in my twenty some-odd years on this earth.  And also, Robert Redford is currently a creepy leather-faced hack director of some of the worst movies of the nineties and aughts.  And given the context of the legendary gentleman below, I think that you and I both know what’s up.  I don’t know what this says about women like Erica, other than that they clearly are BLIND to not recognize the CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR superiority of…

9.  Paul Newman

That’s right.  PAUL MOTHERFUCKING NEWMAN.  I think he dropped his middle name once he got into acting.  Hey-o!  Regardless, the reasons to favor Newman over Redford are endless, but here’s just a taste: (1) What movies has Paul Newman carried all by his lonesome?  OH, THAT’S RIGHT, American classics like Cool Hand Luke.  He’s an ICON, Erica.  AN ICON, (2) His crazy old man brain-deteriation (as evidenced by the rambling on the back of Newman’s Own products) was endearing, as opposed to pathetic, (3) Who has eyes like that?  Not Robert Redford, (4) Can you think of any delicious cookie, popcorn, or chocolate products associated with Robert Redford?  I don’t think so, (5) Anything Clive Owen knows about being sexy, he’s probably at least halfway inherited from the original Thinking Gal’s Sex Symbol, Paul Newman, (6) My straight male (mustachio’d no less!) friend said that even he’d bone Paul Newman.  In conclusion, girls who like Paul Newman know what’s up.

10.  Matthew McConaughey

A wise man once said that girls who like Matthew McConaughey are the equivalent of guys who like Jennifer Aniston.  While that is an interesting theory that I partially agree with, there is something about the specific brand of douchbaggery that McConaughey exudes through every pore in his well-chiseled body that doesn’t quite follow there.  I actually think Aniston is selling herself short, and could be more than what she yawningly is now.  McConaughey is, on the other hand, totally overestimating his abilities, both as an actor and as a human being.  The fact that he is as famous as he is is rather unbelievable.  Sure, he was amusing as David Wooderson in Dazed and Confused, but that’s IT.  That’s ALL he can do well, because he kind of IS that guy: attractive, sure, entertaining and fun, maybe, but DUMB AS A ROCK and a little pathetic.  It does follow, though, that girls who like McConaughey, like dudes who like Aniston, are content with mediocrity.

11. Generic Abercrombie Guy

Firstly, to paraphrase Cher Horowitz, there is nothing wrong with sleeping with one of these fine specimens of American boy-manhood every once in a while, but it is entirely different to actually date one of them.  Can you imagine a “conversation” more frustrating than one with Senor Naked Bongos as previously discussed?  Well, girls, this is it.  You have reached a new low.  What’s Mr. Abercrombie looking for there?  A personality?  You ain’t gonna find one up there, buddy.  To paraphrase another fictional character (this time, as made popular by Chris Farley in his SNL Gap Girl days), when god was passing out brains, you thought he said trains, and then you got on one and went for a ride.  LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING!