Inexpensive Semi-Irritating Things to Do When You Are Bored: David Cross Style

A couple of weeks ago, at the Brooklyn Book Festival, I had the honor and privilege of being present at not only the readings/signings of Bored To Death creator/writer Jonathan Aames, but the one and only Analrapist Dr. Tobias Funke, aka David Cross.  As Ryan has mentioned, he’s been making the rounds to promote his newly published book, I Drink For A Reason.  One particular chapter that especially caught my fancy was “Things To Do When You’re Bored”.

Though since beginning a new job that has me nearly working around the clock, being bored is virtually no longer one of my problems, I still remember a time and a place not too far away or long ago when I would make spreadsheets of nearly impossibly classifiable and/or tangible umbrella topics for apparently, “fun”.  Although the times, they are a’ changin’ (BTW, don’t you fucking HATE when people say that?), I’m sure that sometime when I somehow don’t have access to work or have actually miraculously accomplished everything on my daily “to do” lists, I’ll be able to do things like the following:

Next time (and every time) you are in a hotel/motel/Holiday Inn (say what?!), take the Bible and inscribe, “Best Wishes, [Your Name Here].” Then make notes randomly throughout the book, circling passages and writing things like “WTF?!  Is this for reals?  Bullshit!” etc.

In the spirit of this, I’ve come up with my own list:

• Go to the most foodie restaurant-of-the-moment for brunch and try to order a Moons Over My Hammy.  When they look at you like you’re insane, just try ordering a Grand Slam, or French Toast Sticks (HOLLA, Jack In the Box!) and then be like, well, what DO YOU HAVE?

• Respond to any question you don’t feel like answering that anyone asks you with “Only in New York!” regardless if it makes any sense in the context of anything.

• Make a facebook album that consists entirely of funny-looking and/or ridiculous celebrities of yesteryear and tag your friends.  See who’s the first one to make an indignant comment and/or de-tag themselves!  I’m still reeling from that John Wilkes Booth incident!

• Go to a large cemetery and make fun of everyone’s old timey names.  Also, why is every woman from the early 1900s named Anna?

• Wear a shirt that says “Worse Than Your 2nd Wife” in public.  If you want to know why this is high-sterical, read David Cross’s book!  Or, just skim through the Jim Belushi parts of it.  But, let’s face it, do we really need that much context to find such a shirt hilarious?  I expect an actual answer from every single person who reads this in the comments section of this post, because that was not a rhetorical question, just FYI.

• If you’re bored at work, make a powerpoint presentation of a sparsely-populated to-do list, then call a meeting with a similarly bored co-worker or two, reserve meeting space, and present your slideshow!

• Make up secret mean nicknames for whoever you’re not seriously dating, so that later, if you ever get into a fight with them, you can either: (a) have a comeback readily accessible, if you’re childish like that, (b) have something to laugh about in your head when they get really mad at you, because it will TOTALLY piss them off even more if you’re laughing while they’re trying to be serious, or (c) after you two break up, maybe it will help you ease the pain by knowing you’re no longer with Smugs O’Pretention.

Well, what can I say, I’m no David Cross.  Hell, I’m not even any Mrs. Featherbottom.  But are YOU???