An Open Letter to Horror Movies

During this time of year, the studio’s always push the latest slew of half-assed horror movies. And what most of these films have in common are unknown actors,  graphic torture, 3D, and Eli Roth.  After seeing the trailer for the upcoming film, “House of the Devil”,  I found myself actually looking forward to seeing a new slasher flick release. You can say that most mainstream movie releases are crap these days but no genre has quite sunk so low as horror.  So listen uo suits.

Dear Horror Industry,

Being a child of the eighties, I have been a big fan throughout my formative years.  I blindly rented every Zombie film and Wes Craven for every sleepover. I remember being terrified of the Freddie Krueger cardboard stand-up at West Coast Video. I’ve probably seen all of the Children of the Corn (unfortunately) and I worship at the shrine of Sam Raimi.  I know that finding new and inventive ways to scare the crap out of people gets harder each year but you know a little imagination doesn’t hurt.  I loved all those silly Kung-fu movies where people’s heads get smashed in with one punch, but at least it didn’t take itself so seriously.  I also know that a large element to horror is the visuals but I think someone has been hoarded up in their room too long watching internet porn. Just because it’s a scary movie doesn’t mean you have to abandon plot lines altogether. An ongoing series of money shots, a horror movie does not make.

Oh and let’s not forget about the torture. Call me a sissy girl, but I do not find enjoyment in watching people get brutally raped and then killed as slowly as possible. Do you use sociopaths for your focus groups? If I wanted to get my rocks off watching brutal, realistic torture I could just search Iraq on youtube. I know that entertainment changes during wartime but do you think we could bring Pumpkinhead back?  Oh and can we all just stop making Saw movies. Really its ok, you had a good run, but then everyone else saw you making all that money and followed you down the shitty movie rabbithole. Hey remember that one time The Exorcist won an Oscar?  The 70’s were so crazy, right?! Do you think we could make that happen again?  I don’t think we’ll be seeing the cast of My Bloody Valentine on the red carpet anytime soon.  But don’t lose all hope yet, you haven’t quite hit rock bottom just yet.  After all, you haven’t worked with Danny Bonaduce yet.  I think all that money got to your head and now you can’t come up with cool stuff anymore. It’s ok, it happens. You struck gold and now you can’t stop remaking shit. It’s a rut and you know it. Hey I hear Candyman is looking for another run.  Maybe if you tried a little harder,  real directors might touch you with a ten foot pole. But I haven’t given up on you yet. As long as there’s impressionable film students with a morbid sense of humor there’s still a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’ll just keep going to the video store, just hoping to bump into you and see that you’re doing ok.