What Has Two Thumbs and Loves Comedy Nights?

Some people just cannot tell a joke.  Case in point: Uncle Jerry.

Could be Uncle Jerry. Or could be the guy who comes up from a "this guy thumbs" google search!

My friend Alice brought her friend Mike to her family reunion.  It was a huge gathering at a nice restaurant and Mike was a hit with the whole family, the little kids jumping on him, the teenage girls giggling in the corners, the aunts shaking his hand, even the geriatrics telling Alice what a 'œnice boy' he was.  But Mike hit it off the best with the uncles, to whom he kept telling the same joke: 'œWhat has two thumbs and loves blow jobs?'  And then, pointing to himself with both thumbs, 'œThis guy!'  When everyone sat down at the long table, Alice and Mike took their seats next to good old drunken Uncle Jerry, who kept repeating, 'œthis guy,' and laughing to himself.  After a few minutes of eating, Uncle Jerry turned to them and slurred, 'œI’m gonna tell the joke.'  Alice and Mike tried to tell him it wasn’t such a good idea, that it wasn’t appropriate, but to no avail.  Uncle Jerry tapped his knife on his glass, stood up, and as everyone turned to him, a hush descended upon the room.  With toddlers, grandparents, and even great-aunt Trudy smiling up at him, Uncle Jerry, swaying and inebriated, pointed both thumbs to his chest and declared: 'œI love blow jobs.'

What has two thumbs and knows how to pull off a joke? Borat.

So you see, sometimes it’s best to leave the joke-telling to the professionals.  And if not professionals, then at least those brave souls who are used to hearing crickets after telling a dud.  I can’t vouch for all of these but listed below are your weekly $10-and-under Comedy Night options:

Mondays @ 9pm (3^rd Monday is Ladies’ Night “which means funnier than all the other nights,” according to local comedy legend Emily Heller)
Comedy Mondays Live @ Deluxe
1511 Haight St. @ Ashbury [Haight]
$5

2^nd Mondays @ 7pm
Monday Happy Hour Comedy @ Café Royale
800 Post St. @ Leavenworth [Tenderloin]
FREE

Tuesdays @ 8:30pm
Standup Comedy @ the Layover Bar
1517 Franklin St. btwn 15^th & 17^th [Downtown Oakland, btwn the 12^th St and 19^th St Bart Stations]
FREE

Tuesdays @ 9pm
Harvey’s Funny Tuesadays @ Harvey’s (“Gay Comedy in the heart of the Castro!”)
500 Castro St. @ 18^th St. [The Castro]
FREE (one drink minimum)

Tuesdays @ 8pm
Comedy Blast @ Rockit Room
406 Clement St. @ 5^th Ave. [Richmond District]
$10

Tuesdays 6-9pm
Comedy Open Mic @ Annie’s Social Club
917 Folsom St. @ 5^th St. [SoMa]
FREE

1^st & 3^rd Tuesdays @ 8pm
Raw Comedy Night @ Poleng Lounge
1751 Fulton St. @ Masonic [Panhandle]
$5

Wednesdays @ 7pm & 9pm
San Francisco Comedy College‘s Hump Day Show @ The Clubhouse
414 Mason St. #705 @ Geary St [Union Square]
$5

Thursdays @ 8pm
San Francisco Comedy College‘s Thursday Night Fling @ The Clubhouse
414 Mason St. #705 @ Geary St [Union Square]
$5

Thursdays @ 7pm
Comedy Night @ BrainWash Café
1122 Folsom St. @ 7^th St. [SoMa]
FREE

Thursdays @ 8pm
Comedy Off Broadway Oakland @ Miss Pearl’s Jam House
1 Broadway @ 7th [Downtown Oakland, near the 12^th St. Bart Station]
$10

Fridays @ 9pm
Comedy Off Broadway Oakland @ The Washington Inn
495 10^th St. @ Washington [Downtown Oakland, near the 12^th St. Bart Station]
$10

2^nd Sundays @ 7pm
Standup Comedy Night @ Actor’s Theatre
855 Bush St. btwn Mason & Taylor [Lower Nob Hill]
$10