Kelly Bensimon: Crazy Ass Bitch

Can we please talk about the insanity that is The Real Housewives of New York? I know that it can be sad to watch reality starlets fall victim to the pressures of living out portions of their lives on television (paging Heidi Montag), but Thursday night’s episode Housewives was so scary and uncomfortable and real that it turned into hilariousness of epic proportions.

In case you missed it, Thursday night’s episode ended with a Bethenny-prepared birthday dinner for Ramona. Kelly '“ on edge from the get-go '“ accused Alex of being a vampire and insisted that Bethenny was trying to kill her… as if this would be plausible in any situation, let alone one that’s being filmed. The episode ended with the other castmates concluding that, Yes, Kelly is certifiably crazy, leaving me to yell at my television, OF FUCKING COURSE SHE’S OUT OF HER MIND. HELLO!

Kelly is a self-fulfilling prophecy:

1. She has no idea that she’s fucking retarded. She supposedly got her degree at Columbia, but I’m convinced this “Columbia” is actually some clown trade school at Coney Island that passes out degrees like syphilis at University of Florida Sigma Chi ice-off. She mixes metaphors and stumbles over words and clearly can barely read '“ I can’t allow myself to believe that she graduated from an Ivy League school.

bad business decision

2. She attempts to exploit the supposed mental instabilities of those around her. Bethenny is kinda crazy; it’s true. But at least she has enough self-awareness to know when she’s being a complete bitch. Kelly constantly calls Bethenny’s short temper a sign that she’s mental, but the reality is that Bethenny’s impatience to deal with Kelly’s bullshit is a sign that Kelly is actually the one that needs to take a chill pill (or ten).

3. She’s incredibly boring and bad at her job. She thinks that her photo shoots for Gotham magazine are really contributing to the fashion world at large. I can’t think of anything I hate more than interviews where the journalist asks questions that require a one-word response (“Are you wearing underwear right now?” Really, Kelly?) Not only that, but she doesn’t know how to work a digital camera. But the thing that really kills me is that she performs this field research while wearing a beanie. KELLY, WHAT FASHION ICON DO YOU KNOW THAT WEARS A BEANIE? This isn’t 1997 and we’re not Sporty Spice.

On a real note, I think she has undiagnosed schizophrenia or something, which is sad. But until this suspicion is confirmed, I’m going to laugh hysterically and insensitively every time I see her scrunched up face onscreen.