Bullshit Reasons for Not Calling/Texting Back in a Timely Manner

So far, June, for me, has been filled with a lot of torturous waiting for random guys to text me back. As it turns out, this is not a super fun theme for a month to have. Mostly it involves trying to determine whether he’s busy, the text I just sent was somehow retarded, or he honestly doesn’t check his phone obsessively like a normal person.

Of course, not all texts require a response. A conversation about tacos can go on for only so long. But for god’s sake, if I say I am getting “Landon Donovan 4EVA” full-color tattooed across my back, with soccer balls substituted for the “o’s”, umm, you should have an opinion on that.

So the question is: what is defined as a timely manner? Well, it depends. Not everyone has their phone practically welded to their hand. But unless they are incarcerated, or a member of the CIA, and, for security reasons, cannot allow anyone to triangulate their location, I’d say the cut-off is about 12 hours. After that they’re just being a dick. And bullshit excuses only make the whole thing worse, because then you know the person not only doesn’t care about talking to you, they also think you’re an idiot.

Bullshit reason 1) My phone inexplicably started writing in Sanskrit

Yeah. Because that happens allll the time. Number one, you probably couldn’t even identify Sanskrit if you saw it, and number two, how then did you switch it back to English? By consulting your Sanskrit-to-English dictionary? Fuck you, dude.

Bullshit reason 2) My sleep schedule is fucked

Sometimes the signals that a person is on lots of cocaine are obvious. For instance: they ask if you have any cocaine. But sometimes the signs are more subtle. Like when they regularly stay up all night timing how fast they can assemble Ikea furniture.

That said, there are some legit reasons for not replying to a text. These have all happened to me at some point or another, and I feel like they should generally be forgiven.

Extenuating circumstances: 1) Technical difficulties

My Blackberry is a piece of shit, and I frequently witness my texts being received anywhere between three to six hours after they have allegedly, successfully “sent”. As in, the person I’m halfway through dinner with will get my text “on my way!” when I am sitting right in front of them. Fucking phones.

2) Their phone died or they lost their charger

This happens to me a lot. When it starts freaking out that its battery is low and it doesn’t want to die, please help blah blah blah, I usually notice in enough time to alert all the people who will be incredibly distraught by this news, i.e., EVERYONE.

3) Someone just bought them Super Mario Galaxy 2 for their birthday

Getting a star in Super Mario Galaxy 2 can take anywhere from five minutes to a week. It requires intense focus and concentration. I will seriously have no awareness of my phone whatsoever.

4) They’re over 50 or they are my mom

Aww, moms. They’re confused by everrrything.