AdviceSex and Dating

Tips For Dumpers: 8 Ways To Not Be A Jerk

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By “dumpers”, I mean people who do the dumping in a dating relationship, as opposed to “dumpees” who are the ones dumped. There’s lots of advice out there for the dumped, obviously, because that’s almost always hard. Hell, I’ve even given my two cents on the matter. But what about those who have a hard time doing the dumping, even afterwards?

Whether you’re dealing with feelings of guilt or feel like acting out, here’s how to not be a jerk:

1) Don’t go broadcasting that you’ve broken up with someone

Whether that be changing your facebook status immediately, or just blabbing to people other than your closest friends, you don’t want to create  “buzz” about it. You want to give the dumpee enough time to process what’s happened, and the last thing you want is for people to going up to them when they haven’t decided to tell anyone yet.

2) Don’t give people too much detail

I would go as far as to say you should just say something neutral like “we broke up” as opposed to “I broke up with so-and-so, and here’s what happened”. Obviously, spare everyone the gory details and don’t talk shit about the other person.

3) Don’t publicly gallivant around just yet

Laying low for a bit not only might be good just so that it won’t get back to your ex and hurt their feelings, but you might actually need to take a breather for a bit. Even if you think you made the right decision and feel okay about it, you still might need a little transition period. Especially if you were with them for a long time, you need to get used to being with yourself for a little bit before going into “Wild and Crazy Guy”-mode.

4) Don’t try to convince them that “no-strings-attached” sex is a good idea

You really think you’re gonna pull this off without being a douche? Think again. Your ex will most certainly get hurt. Stop being selfish and stop leading them on, if you really want things to be over.

5) Don’t question your decision too much

Sort of in like with #4 above, be firm with yourself in your decision. You decided to go through with it, and chances are, there was probably a good reason. Think about it this way: it’s ALWAYS better to be no one than the wrong person. It’s pretty much science. Don’t be one of those people who break up and get back together 500 times, it’s annoying.

6) Don’t start immediately dating their friend

There’s two things going on here: the first is that you’re dating their FRIEND, and the second is that you’re immediately dating someone.

7) Don’t punish yourself TOO much

It’s fine to have a mourning period, but you can’t feel guilty about it for the rest of your life. If it takes a long time for the other person to deal with the breakup…and I mean a REALLY long time, this is really not your fault (that is, if you haven’t been being a JERK in any of the ways I’ve outlined), and you shouldn’t have to feel like you’ve committed murder or something.

8 ) Avoid going places you know they’ll be

You may have hung out at places together, but you know, there are SOME places that are sort of off-limits. Like, if you show up at the nail place or something. That’s straight up bullshit. You’re not allowing them a safe space. Oh, and this goes double if you’re with your new significant other or date.

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.


  1. August 9, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Great list. SO I must ask. Which side of the dump exchange were you involved with this time dear Broke Assed One?