5 Behaviors That Justify Being a Total Bitch

Bitchface

Yesterday for no particular reason I was getting angered by everything. And at first I really thought it was the rest of the world’s fault, like, why are people being such ASSHOLES today? But then on the train home I almost asked the guy sitting across from me to stop jiggling his foot in the manner he’d been jiggling it, as it was “infuriating,” and I suddenly realized, oh waaait, maybe I am the asshole.

Nonetheless, there are some things that even when I am in a great mood I can’t stand, and I feel like when people exhibit any of the following behaviors it is okay to be a bit of a bitch, because there should be repercussions for this stuff.

1) Slow-walking

I know every New Yorker complains about slow-walking people, but my question is, since we are all whining about it constantly, why does it still happen? Who has not received word by now? What REMOTE CORNER OF THE CONTINENT does not know you cannot walk at whatever leisurely pace you want on a busy sidewalk? Because I will go there with educational pamphlets on sidewalk congestion and correct this situation.

2) Not taking off your gigantic backpack/sleeping-bag-camper-roll in a packed morning subway car

God I hate you. How are you not aware that your smelly, 30-pound mountain man pack has been bumping me in the face for the last 10 minutes. HOWW.

3) Talking really loudly to your friend across the elevator about extremely stupid, personal stuff

Wow. Your conversation is so fascinating. Thank god we all get to listen to it. I really hope that you elaborate on your ex-girlfriend being a ho, because I don’t think we got enough evidence of that between the first and fifth floors. I know there are more ho bag things she’s done. Who ELSE is she currently having sex with, and who will she likely be having sex with in the near future??

4) Close-standing

Standing right next to the person in front of you in line does not actually make the line move any faster. So get the hell away from me a little bit.

5) Blaring your ipod through your crappy earbuds