Heathcliff, It’s Me, Anna G.: Olde Tymey Literature Dating Faceoff

This post may or may not have been inspired by my Halloween costume idea of being Kate Bush. Don’t steal it. Anywhozle, I was just wondering, guys, you know how you do sometimes- if you put characters from Victorian novels head-to-head, evaluating their date-worthiness, who would win? Well, your lifetime of waiting can now end forever, because I’m putting Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre, and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice HEAD TO HEAD in the most cake-eating, Little Lord Fauntleyroy-est death match the world’s ever seen.

FIRST CONTENDER: Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights

Pros: He’s maybe the ultimate Byronic hero fantasy of a guy who’s wild with intense emotion, and even a bit evil. But, the fact that he’s so passionate and that it takes a village of self-containment to restrain his fiery emotions, and the fact that he’ll sort of do it too, all in the name of Cathy…well, that’s kind of a turn-on. Also, the fact that he’s the least richy richy fluffy guy of the three is a huge selling point for me. I honestly think that in order to actually be intelligent, you have to at least somewhat feel what it’s like to not have everything handed to you on a silver platter. Oh, and he has dark features, which is again, kind of a personal preference, but I’m making it a plus nonetheless.

Cons: Um, he’s a little….emotionally unstable. Always tread carefully with the ones that are passionate. It smacks of manic depression and, I’m pretty sure he was violent to Cathy even though he claimed to love her. And that’s a pretty slippery and unacceptable slope. I don’t care what time period it is, or whether or not he’s a real person.

NEXT UP: Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre

Pros: He’s mysterious and experienced. Myst-perienced, if you will. And I will. Even though it kind of sounds like some sort of Golden Showers kind of thing. But anyway,being an experienced person, for me, is actually more of a turn on when it comes to older guys especially. There’s something simultaneously relieving and alluring about a guy who’s been around the block a few times. He’s also commanding and sort of scary, which can be sort of hot, or at least the prospect of that facade melting away when the time is right is hot.

Cons: He has a secret wife in the basement kind of like Hugo, Bart’s secret conjoined twin from one of those Treehouse of Horror episodes of the Simpsons. Also [Spoiler Alert!], he goes blind in the end because you know, his secret wife burns down the house. And rightfully so. Not that I have anything against blind people, but, uh, I dunno, it seems like at that point there’s too much baggage with him.

AND LASTLY: Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

Pro: Um, he’s the strong, witty type. There’s maybe nothing more attractive than a guy who has a way with words. Which, I guess, by association implies confidence. Which, as every dating cliche in the entire world has indicated is the best thing ever. Which it is, guys. It just is. Also, it looks like he’s pretty set with money for life. Not terribly important, but hey, it’s something.

Cons: He’s kind of a dick , a snob, and can be prejudice. But I guess through a series of untangling misunderstandings, all can be forgiven or thought through properly, right? Perhaps.

AND THE WINNER IS: Mr. Darcy. I mean, when choosing between a potentially violent and emotionally unstable dude and a blind guy with a secret wife in the basement, Darcy’s snobbishness isn’t so bad in comparison. And Elizabeth worked it out with him anyway, so I think you’ll be good to go.