Dating Plots That Will Never Happen To You

Didja ever notice when watching pretty much any RomCom, that the plots are almost always super implausible even though they’re meant to make us all be like: “Celebrities (pretending to be real people): JUST LIKE US!” Well, I did. And I’ve also blown the lid off of what the deal is with airplane peanuts.

So, yeah. Movies, amiright? Here’s a list of things that will never, ever happen to you in real life, but continue to live on in the cinema:

1. Your best friend has really been in love with you this whole time

They aren’t. And you would’ve noticed. And they probably wouldn’t chauffeur you and your date around. And even if this did happen somehow, it would not work out. So maybe I can’t quite remember the plot of Some Kind of Wonderful. I think they end up together in the end, right? In real life, Watts would just realize she’s a lesbian and start banging Amanda, who will then become a cartoonist living in “the city” and change her name to Caroline. There’s one thing about this film that is true– this promo shot of them above is literally some kind of wonderful.

2. Pretending to be black by doing blackface will get you in to college and a date

Absolutely not. It will get you killed. I can’t believe Soul Man was a real movie. Like, seriously. I don’t even know if it’s worth mentioning that no one, and especially not if you look like C.Thomas Howell, will ever believe you’re an actual black person if you’re doing blackface. Plus the fact that, you know, doing blackface is like maybe the most  insulting, terrible thing ever short of actual lynching and institutional genocide. So, yeah, Rae Dawn Chong will totally not go out with you ever.

3. A guy making a bet about getting you to date him

This literally has never happened in real life ever to anyone, so I don’t know why it’s one of the most often used plots in RomComs, and especially Teen RomComs. Shakespeare, I guess. What is the deal with THAT guy? You’re fake, you’re real, you’re being remade as a BBC made for TV Movie all the time? Pick a side. So anyway, guys in high school don’t waste time making bets and shit. They just want to get drunk and for you to give them a beej and go home. Also, no “nerd” girl (let’s not even get into that bit of it) will become suddenly transformed by taking off a pair of glasses. Trust me, in high school I tried to simulate what I thought was cute, but it turned out that I was a walking punchline with my terrible highlights and some sort of anal bead-looking necklace. And I didn’t even wear glasses. Though I have to say, puka shells and sexual assault-yness isn’t exactly a turn on either, guys from high school.

4. Dating your older step brother in college

Dude, your dad would totally never let you do that even if you realized while shopping at the Galleria that you are totally butt-crazy in love with Josh. I mean, as a FRESHMAN in high school? No. Way. And your ex-step brother, no less. That’s just weird.

5. Dying at the same time as your Alzheimer-y wife while reading the notebook you wrote about your awful, awful courtship

Yep, just wanted to get that dig at The Notebook out of the way. And there it is.

6. Get “the guy” in high school if you’re not conventionally attractive or popular

As much as I like Sixteen Candles (and abhor the racism), um, it ain’t gonna happen, guys. High school guys (and girls) are shallow pieces of shit, and so are all people in general (SUCK ON THAT, COMMENTERS! AN OPINION STATED AS TONGUE-IN-CHEEK FACT!!! Who knew?). At least if you’re an adult there’s some kind of chance an ordinary-looking girl will score big (there is! And I have!), especially if you live in the right city. But, otherwise, umm, no. Nope, not gonna happen. As much as I’d like it to. On the other hand, have you ever thought about how fucked up and/or short Jake Ryan and Samantha’s relationship must have been? Even though his original girlfriend was an asshole, he was pretty fucked up to her too. So, uhhh, glass is half empty on this one guys. Enjoy the rest of your Life…..cereal.