Sex and Dating

Which Kind of Couple Are You?

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So, I know that Ashley sort of already did a post similar to this one, but I’m gonna go ahead and expand on it. Why? Because this is YOUR day, and it’s time to finally take an inventory of yourself, look yourself in the mirror and VOMIT in pure disgust of your disgusting filthy coupled self while screaming “WHAT HAVE I BECOME?” Or, you know, it’s just an opportunity for me to mock more people.

1. Business Partners/Robots
You mostly argue about: Business models.
Often Overheard Snippets of Conversation: “I appreciate the sexual intercourse offer, let’s circle back on that right after I get this TPS report spreadsheet out of my briefcase for my conference call next Sunday morning.”
Primary Mode of Communication: Video chat from across the room.
People often mistake you for: Coneheads, sans the cones for heads.

2. One Is Disproportionately More Attractive Than The Other

Belushi NGE press

You mostly argue about: I have no idea. These people mystify me.
Often Overheard Snippets of Conversation: “No, really, this is my girl/boyfriend”
Primary Mode of Communication: The less attractive one smirking a lot.
People often mistake you for: If the woman is more attractive, pretty much any sitcom couple on TV currently.

3. Getting Too Drunk, Fighting, & Making Up Constantly

tarareid-drunk-socialite life

You mostly argue about: Not putting a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser, looking at other women/men, the same arguments that you’ve been having since 2004.
Often Overheard Snippets of Conversation: “I just wanted to say to you right now here and now, that I fucking love you no matter what, even that time you made out with that other guy in front of me you fucking bitch I HATE YOU get the fuck out of my life let’s make out one last time.”
Primary Mode of Communication: Yelling, crying, handjobs.
People often mistake you for: Escaped convicts or junkies.

4. Wait, You’re Together?


You mostly argue about: You barely talk to each other, so you never argue.
Often Overheard Snippets of Conversation: “Yeah, let’s go in the bathroom right now, you sexy piece of ass. Oh him? Don’t worry about him, that’s my boyfriend. What? Where are you going?”
Primary Mode of Communication: Small talk.
People often mistake you for: Being single.

5. Inside Joking Constantly/Don’t Pay Attention To Anyone Else

Only Married Newsteam

You mostly argue about: Who said what about some obscure Tim & Eric joke first.
Often Overheard Snippets of Conversation: “Oh my god, SANDWICH hahahahahhaha! I think I like this Dad a lot! All the food is poison!”
Primary Mode of Communication: Laughing.
People often mistake you for: Assholes.

Photos courtesy of:, NGE Press, Socialite Life,, and

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.