SAG Red Carpet

Yayyy Yayy it’s awards show season yayy!! We all care so much!

Let’s get down to brass fucking tacks, shall we? Who looked good and who looked not good?  Begin!

Natalie Portman

Okay Natalie. I thought your Golden Globes dress sukked. Like, people I’m friends with liked it, but I thought it made you look like the cheapo candy from the Duane Reade that’s the only thing left on February 14 at 2:47 am. But I get what you were GOING FOR. Being pregnant means maybe feeling  not so sexy, so ya chose a flattering silhouette. This, I feel is the far better realization of the look you were going for at the Globes. That was sort of like the dress rehersal and this was like opening night. LIKE IN BLACK SWAN!  Good on you.

Rosario Dawson

Coupla, things. First, why are you here?  You haven’t been in anything to my knowledge in recent years.  Oh well! My real problem has less to do with your presence here and more with the fact that this particular chiffon-y concoction  makes you look like one of the Fantanas.  You’re a beautiful girl but this isn’t doing you any favors, although nice bracelet.

Mila Kunis

At first I was like “I don’t like it!” and then I looked more and was like “I like it!”  You always do a good job of being sexy without being trashy, and being a risk taker without veering into lunatic Cher territory. I salute you. When my friends asked everyone we were hanging out with who they would have rather had gone down on them-Mila or Natalie- me and my bestie were the only ones who picked you with NO HESITATION. So, you’re welcome.

Tina Fey

I used to HAAAATE red dresses all the time because they reminded me of that song “Lady In Red” which I remember my mom loves and I hate and it used to come on in the car and she’d make me leave it on and I’d be so mad on the way to school. Now though, I may be changing my tune (LOLOL!) because you look great. It’s not a real risk-taker, but neither are you when it comes to fashion. I’m glad you go with elegant and sensible instead of “mature slut” like some other women whose names I couldn’t very easily mention because they are the the entire over 45 female population of California according to the good people at the BRAVO network.
Claire Danes

Claire.  Claire Bear. I used to love you so much when  you were Angela Chase. Now you seem, well, kind of cunty. I thought you looked scary-thin at the Golden Globes and even though your dress looked good it looked good for ALL THE WRONG REASONS (Wookin pa nub). This, though, I can really get behind , so nice. work. I love the color on you, it looks fresh but still seasonally approrpiate and you look healthy and pretty, albeit still mildly cunty. Xo.

Helena Bonham Carter

Well, I don’t know what any of us were expecting. It’s not even really fair or worthwhile to give you shit for dressing like a lunatic. I think you ARE sort of a  lunatic and I think the traditional notion of “looking good” isn’t really something you’re all that interested in. I mean you were hot in Fight Club, of course,  but then maybe you just got tired of it. Tired of the cleaning, and poking and waxing and weight management and just decided that Miss Gulch chic was the look for tonight.  If I get to that point some day I hope I have but a fraction of your blithe aplomb. And your husband’s bank account.