Magazine Lies: Dude Fashion Opinions

Have you ever read one of these features in women’s magazines that keep being recycled (I mean besides all of them)– these “fashion guys like” things where they get four or five guys to either review or list what sort of accessories and types of outfits they like on women? Sometimes magazines don’t even have the pretense of interviewing actual guys and just decide to declare things, like in a recent issue of some unfortunate magazine I recently came across while getting a pedicure. I’m pretty sure it was in the Glamour/Allure fashion mag category– like, somewhere in between Vogue and Cosmo.

It got me thinking about all the ridiculous things I can recall through the years I’ve stupidly read these type of magazines. Features like this have either made zero sense whatsoever or have made the double/triple/quadruple standards about women’s appearances/humanity glaringly obvious. Not to mention that I have to qualify everything with “straight”, because apparently, gay men only exist as accessories to mainstream women’s and men’s magazines and don’t count as actual men.

Here are the contents of my time capsule:

1) Straight men love harem pants

WHAT? I have almost never heard anyone say anything positive about harem pants outside of a fashion magazine. I just, you know, find it really hard to believe that any large group of people, much less straight men actually PREFER harem pants on women. I mean, even poopy pants aesthetics aside, there are some really problematic cultural/racial issues there that I’m sure aren’t lost on a lot of people. So, like….whaaa?? This was recently too, from that Allure/Glamour magazine I saw last week.

2) Straight men hate headbands

“Your schoolgirl days are over!”– along the lines of what I can recall the magazine saying. I mean, okay, if you’re wearing a Hello Kitty headband, that’s one thing, but like, if you villify headbands, you might as well say the same for any hairclip or all bobby pins– which all they really do is serve a practical function. Also, since when did straight dudes have strong opinions about hair accessories? If all the women’s and men’s magazines are right, if they can’t stick their penis in it, they don’t want to know about it.  At least stick to your own faux-losophies, magazines.

3) Straight men love short skirts because of sex, but hate them because you’re a slut

I remember this one from a high school perusing of Cosmo. I think the scenario was that one model was dressed in 3 different outfits for 4 different occasions and 4 guys weighed in one what they thought about each outfit for each situation.  There was one particular “date” situation where the model was wearing the following 3 outfits: (1) a low-cut top, red lipstick, and a miniskirt, (2) A sundress that cut just above the knee with a sweater, (3) A knee-length skirt and a 3/4 shirt. Of course the sundress was the “right” answer for what you should wear, because apparently, miniskirts=slut and long skirts=prude. Of course, depending on who you ask, a sundress might seem either prudish or sluttish to just about anyone. The real answer is that you just cant win, and people only value/judge women by what their implied genitals will do for them, because there is absolutely nothing else of value to judge.

4) Straight men hate red lipstick because you look like a clown, but love it because they want blowjobs

This is another damned if you do, damned if you don’t-type situation. I’ve read everything from guys thinking red lipstick makes you look like a clown/slut, clownslut, to joker-esque (which I guess is a form of clown?) and horse-facey. Then again, because of the “slut” connotation, some guys are like yeahhhhhhh I wanna stick my peen in that hole. So, you know, again, people who have no real grasp on understanding gender be sayin’ stuff!

5) Straight men love pantyhose

I think I remember seeing something either in Maxim a long time ago or something someone posted from the dreaded askmen.com about women not being women without pantyhose. Honestly, who gives a shit about pantyhose? I’m not even sure what they are supposed to do. I get tights and leggings….but, pantyhose? What…..are they?

The bottom line here is, who the fuck cares about what straight or any other guys think? Especially the ones that talk to and read mainstream magazines. Also, probably half of it is totally made up anyhow.

Somewhat unrelated but worth mentioning: have you SEEN the story going around that accuses Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt’s twins of having down’s syndrome based on literally NOTHING? I know it’s tabloid bullshit, but still….just…wow.

Photos courtesy of: We Love Creative, Happy Hour Mom, JCrew Aficionada, Gearlive.com, PopSugar, and MamaPop.