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Broke-Ass Luxuries For The Poor

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When a Frontgate catalog arrives in the mail (by accident of course), I often find myself browsing the pages of in-home patio fire pits and wondering what type of rich person I would be. Would I be the type of rich person who buys a specially bred hybrid dog, like a labradoodle? A puggle? A cockapoo? Why do these all sound so wrong?? Daydreaming about which kind of weird-ass freak dog I should buy with my disposable income is not really something I should be doing on my current budget. So, in my ever ambitious state, I make a mean attempt at duplicating the trappings of luxury to fit my broke-ass lifestyle. Hey, they don’t call Miller High Life the “champagne of beers” for nothing.



Hair Modeling
Not nearly as glamorous as it sounds. Basically your head serves as a live dummy for hairdressers’ apprentices in training, much as my Barbies were to me when I was an eight year old with motor skills that were iffy-at-best. Sure, you get a free haircut, but you also have to sign a waiver saying that you will not sue if you end up with triangular bangs and a leopard print dye job. But for the adventurous types out there, it’s a much cheaper alternative to your typical $60+ cut. I’ve done it and I don’t look like a freak, do I? DO I?!

Coffee Maker
Just suck it up and get one. I know we all like our to-go organic, fair trade, house brew from the Bean or wherever, but spending $2.50 on average for a cup of joe just isn’t in the budget these days. I bought a shitty one-cup coffeemaker from K-Mart 2 years ago for $15 and it’s been caffeinating me every day since.

More specifically, get totally, inescapably sucked in to a TV show via Netflix that takes up every second of spare time that you would have otherwise used to blow your wad (of cash) on any number of pointless things like: booze, bums’ change cups, Frostees, random things shaped like unicorns (I mean, who can resist?!), and tips on aforementioned booze. Breaking Bad is the one I recently got hooked on and, much like the sweet blue crystal Walter and Jesse cook up, once you try this show you soon start to feel the ever-increasing urge for like, just one more, one more episode man. Then you’re like, DAMMIT I HAVE TO MEET FRIENDS WHO HAVE CABLE SO I CAN GET CAUGHT UP ON SEASON 5.

Bike it.
There should be no better proof than that which was the wrath of Hurricane Sandy – bikes are where it’s at when the entire MTA shuts down and you’re stranded on a tiny island (Manhattan, that is). No electricity? You can still get from point A to point B, and if you’re trying to get to your lousy restaurant job that depends on the L train (which isn’t working), having a bike allows you to get there and get those dolla, dolla bills y’all. Not to mention when there’s not a hurricane looming, you can still get places way cheaper than the cost of that $104 monthly metro ticket. Plus, it’s good exercise, since let’s face it, you probably can’t afford a gym membership either.

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Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patty loves cats, cheese, and irony, so although she is currently a petite Asian chick, she is well on her way to becoming a fat, smelly, cat lady later in life. Born in Korea and adopted to white people in the South, Patty spent her youth frolicking happily in the cornfields of eastern North Carolina. She currently lives in the East Village and can be found boozing her way through the bars (and streets) of New York.