How To Fight Sleep Deprivation

I think I’m slowly dying.

I’m serious.

About four weeks ago I took on this new full-time gig. I figured it would help me attain some sort of livelihood in the future, or at the very least, put a couple of dollars in my pocket for the next few months. Coming into this situation I knew that I might have been in over my head. I knew I would lose touch with the world around me, but most importantly, I knew I’d lose many precious hours of sleep. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was old enough. I thought that I had achieved a certain level of discipline at my age to write for two other online publications, be an editor/writer for this site and still do my current full-time gig. Honestly, I just stretched myself out too much. I went into this ready to grab the bull by its horns—at the moment, the bull has me by the balls.

None of the gigs are overly demanding or difficult, so that isn’t the problem. My problem currently resides with the masters of time. There aren’t enough hours, minutes and seconds in the day. During each 24-hour cycle, I find myself having to schedule out an allotted time to simply move my bowels. A visit with the porcelain king shouldn’t have to be planned; they should take place in the way Mother Nature intended it to happen—randomly, and with occasional showers.

With more to do during the day and with less time to do it in, I have finally felt the wrath of the Sandman’s magical spell, and have been simply backhanded with the effects of sleep deprivation, which is something that many of us suffer from. As you may or may not know, the recommended hours of sleep for adults are 7-9 hours per day. I can say I average about 6 hours a night, so you’d a assume losing one hour a night would be nothing to me. On the contrary, my friend. I am NOT your average human being. I’m more like Snorlax from Pokémon. Remember him? He was that big fat sack of shit randomly lying in the middle of the road, blocking your path into some new town. Yeah, that’s me. This is how my body functions:

Less than 7 hours of sleep = Zombie Mode: I move around but don’t expect an intelligent conversation. You might get a few grunts out of me.

7-9 hours of sleep = Mr. Grumpy Mode: I’m a bit more functional. I’m aware of my surroundings. Do not engage me. I lack sleep and I’m extremely grumpy. Stay away.

10-12 hours of sleep = Human Mode: I am a fully functional human being. I can run and jump. I can interact with other humans in a civilized manner.

12+ hours of sleep = This Man Needs to be Restrained Mode: I’m way too happy. I have way too much energy. I find myself getting into trouble.

All in all I need my sleep and so do you. I love to sleep and who doesn’t? Unfortunately, this is real life and finding time to snooze when you’re juggling more than one task in your life isn’t easy. This is especially true when you’re living in the city that never sleeps. A city that also doubles as a place you need to have 30 jobs just to get by, living in a one room shack with a roommate that uses dirty bath water to wash the dishes. (I’ve heard stories.)

The dangers of fewer amounts of Z’s include decreased performance and alertness, memory and cognitive impairment, stress, higher risk of injury and poor quality of life. Poor quality of life? What the fuck does that mean? Godammit, I’m already monetarily poor and now you’re telling me that I have to be physically poor, too? Fuck that.

*takes a breath*

Here are a few tips to get more sleep during your week:

Public Transportation Nap: Sleep on the bus or sleep on the train. You can get a good 15-30 minutes of sleep going to and from work. It helps, trust me.

Lunchtime Nap: Eat quickly and take whatever amount of time you have left to rest your eyes. It might not be much, it might even be a tease, but it’s something.

Stay Away From Sleeping Pills: Be honest with yourself for a moment. Anything that is sold over the counter with 3,000 side effects isn’t good for you.

One Night of Sleep Recovery: Make sure to try and get one good night of sleep during the week. It’ll help you out a lot.

Sleep is an important part of our lives because it helps our body and mind regenerate. Believe it or not, a lack of it affects our behavior. So don’t rob yourself of having weird dreams and snuggling up with some pillows. Get your beauty sleep! Believe me, many of you need it.

Goodnight, broke-asses.

Photo Credit: steadyhealth.com