So You Want To Write A Valentine’s Day Card: The Music Edition!

Because life’s more fun when you have to be creative AND wait to the last minute.

Another corporate holiday is slowly upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and if you’d like to opt out of those prix-fixe meals and simply skip to the wine or champagne before sex (which, let’s be honest—is what really matters) then, do I have the advice column for you? It’s time for: So You Want to Make A Valentine’s Day Card: Music Edition!

Thank God 90s sitcoms put all that crap into our heads about gifts that come from the heart being just as fulfilling, even though we all know that’s not true. At least now I don’t have to feel like an asshole for being broke as well. I’ve thought about this fateful holiday since January and here we are, team. Valentine’s day is upon us and it’s time to throw a bunch of crap together to make the sex good. Get things going with a few of my favorite tricks.

It’s February 13th, do you know where your Valentine’s Day Card is?

Creating “mixtapes” or “mix CDs” or even playlists no longer matter, so just save yourself the trouble and tag her in a post on Facebook or Instagram so all your mutual friends can get annoyed AND she can make all her girlfriends jealous. Which, when you think about it, is really what this holiday is about.

Rent The Notebook from the Public Library if you don’t have Netflix or HuluPlus. If you’re one of the losers who couldn’t get to The Notebook in time, rent any movie with a quirky brunette, douche-y lead male who’s been on People Magazine’s “Sexiest Douchebag List.” Make sure there’s a wise-cracking older actor in the movie (i.e. Betty White), and try to earn some extra points if you find a flick with a black comedian or hip-hop artist, who’s trying to crossover, in the supporting cast.

Wait until the day after Valentine’s Day to buy her those candies and chocolates.  Walgreens will likely have a 2-for-1 special and I say that from proud, personal experiences. You could opt for flowers but only because it’s the dead of winter, so invest wisely.

Because love don’t pay the rent.

As for the card, there’s no better way to allocate a few more dollars towards champagne than to write your own. Using song lyrics from yesteryear is not cheesy, it’s refined. Once you’ve completed all of the preliminaries, light the fire in her heart with one of these little gems I’ve picked out for you.

Marvin Gaye – “How Sweet it is (to be Loved by You)”

Lyric to steal – How sweet it is to be loved by you.

Simple. Sweet. The less-is-more attitude  is always a winner, and who better to help you than Marvin Gaye?

Donny Hathaway/Roberta Flack – The Closer I Get to You

Lyrics to steal – The closer I get to you, the more you make me see, by giving me all you’ve got, you’re love has captured me

Eloquent. Poignant. Panty-dropping. Need I say more?

Seal – Kiss From A Rose

Lyrics to steal –  Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey, ooh, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, yeah, now that your rose is in bloom, the light hits the gloom on the grey,

No one knows what these lyrics actually mean but they certainly speak from a place of love or, if you’re me, they speak from a hit movie franchise from the 90s, depending on your association with the song.

Ludacris – Fantasy

Lyrics to steal –  I wanna, lick, lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toe, then I wanna, move from the bed, down to the down to the to the floor, and I wanna, ah, ah, you make it so good I don’t wanna leave, but I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what what’s your fan-ta-ta-see!

Trust me, it CAN read as romantic but you have to have a really, really good font.

Juvenile – Back That Azz Up

Lyrics to steal – Girl you look good, won’t you back that ass up, you’se a big fine woman, won’t you back that ass up, call me big daddy when you back that ass up, girl who is you playin’ wit?, back that ass up,

Pretty self explanatory, if you ask me.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – “suck my kiss”

Lyrics to steal – Suck My Kiss

Maybe ‘suave’ isn’t your thing, and that’s fine. I’m all about variety.

Please be advised, that each one of these songs works on your “Getting-Laid-On-Valentine’s-Day-Background-Music” playlist as well. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll use every single one of the aforementioned titles for your playlist—back to back. You’re welcome.