Entertaining for the Poor as F**K: Broke-o de Mayo
I love a reason to drink.
Antioxidants? Pour me another glass of Pinot. Whiskey prevents cancer? ‘Scuse me while I finish this Jameson smoothie. Your wife left you? What a bitch. Let’s make sangria (I make great sangria).
Having a reason to drink is part of what makes America great (part two of a million), and one of the most American ways to find a reason to drink is to latch onto holidays that don’t belong to us. St. Patrick’s Day is a mess from Boston to Kansas City, and Cinco de Mayo is no different. The sad news is that even with holiday specials, a Cinco de Mayo tab can cost you a week of grocery money (read: drug money) and that’s not doing you any favors. To prevent such catastrophe, I’ve prepared a checklist for how to have a Poor as F**K Cinco de Mayo. Please read responsibly:
1) Obtain an adequate tequila
If you live in California, go anywhere–literally, anywhere—and purchase a bottle of tequila. The specialty baby supply store in the Marina also sells alcohol, I’m sure of it. If you don’t live in California, my condolences; it’s awesome over here and we’re all having fun and you’re not. Just ask Facbeook.
If you can, splurge for a nice reposado (the brown kind) in a glass bottle. If not, splurge for a middle grade anything in a plastic bottle. DO NOT, however, buy Tito’s. Don’t let the name fool you, Tito’s is vodka, and Russia’s Victory day isn’t until May 9th (drink vodka on your own time, buddy, and don’t invite me).
2) Round up some “amigos”
*Not my friends*
As American as it is to drink for a reason, there is some bizarre taboo someone made up about drinking alone. Apparently it’s a sad thing? Like maybe I do it too much? Like maybe finishing an entire bottle of Two Buck Chuck on an idle Tuesday is not great? So yeah, gather your buds.
But lo—this is a DRINKING holiday, so not just your buds. Grab your coworkers, your building manager, your therapist (especially your therapist because en tequila veritas). Amass a group, a crowd, maybe even a small country. It’s Cinco de Mayo damnit, the more the merrier.
Open aforementioned tequila. Pass it around. Drink straight from the bottle because you’re a grown up and cooties aren’t real.
Some of you adventurous hosts and hostesses are probably scouring Pinterest for this year’s hot margarita recipe. Well I have some tough news for you: our country is in the middle of a historical LIME SHORTAGE.
*Not his fault*
Apparently some genius decided America didn’t need to grow its own limes anymore (or make cars or computers) and we’ve been importing the majority of our limes from Mexico. Read: 97% of our limes come from Mexico. Flash to Mexico where a horrendous storm delayed harvest season, and THEN a citrus eating disease (where is your God now), Huanglongbing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citrus_greening_disease, couldn’t make it up if I tried) is wiping out Mexico’s citrus crops (and creeping towards California so beware). The cherry on top of this shit sundae is that the Mexican Drug Cartel (not their official name but if you have a working brain you at least know they’re a big scary deal) has been muscling lime growers, like, bullying them into taking what’s left of their lime supply.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MEXICAN DRUG CARTEL? Don’t you have more important things to do? Like sell drugs? And kidnap people?
That all amounts to expensive-ass limes sold here in the US. Ain’t nobody got money for that. So I’m sorry, broke amigos, you cannot afford limes this year.
“But Marissa, how will I combat the wild taste of my terrible tequila? I need that lime’s bitter taste!”
Fear not my friend.
If you’re like me (you are, shut up, we’re fine), your mother framed your Bachelor’s degree from your ludicrous liberal arts college. Hang it on a wall in your shoebox apartment. Look at it. Look at it long and hard. Remember being 18 years old and thinking a degree in media production and feelings was a great idea.
I bet you can taste the bitterness now. Who needs limes?
(Cries in a heap on the floor)
We spent a while on that didn’t we? Better move things along.
4) Drink some more
*Also not my friends*
Because you’re a receptionist at a Dentist’s office and this $5 tequila is starting to feel alright.
5) Feel white person’s guilt over knowing nothing about Cinco de Mayo
It’s part of the process. It’s all fun and games until our brains remind us that we’re looting an important part of Mexican heritage.
6) Briefly learn about Cinco de Mayo on Wikipedia
You’re not one of those holiday thieves! You know that Cinco de Mayo started when after the Mexican-American war, the French overstayed their welcome in Mexico, some call it an occupation. Mexico was near bankrupt so they were like “Hey we’re not gonna pay our debts we owe to other countries” and France overreacted and stormed their shores. The Mexican army was outnumbered and outgunned but on May 5th, 1862 they WON, and that day is commemorated with white people getting shithoused.
7) Pass out
You can’t handle your tequila like you used to.
8) Wake up feeling guilty because you got tanked on a Monday
When will you learn?
Well, amigos, that about wraps up this week’s EPF. Join us next week for something else involving drinking your feelings and embarrassing your family.