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Entertaining for the Poor as F*ck: Cheap gifts for Father’s Day

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A still from last year’s Thanksgiving

Unless he went out for cigarettes and never came back, your dad is one of the top five most important people in your life (somewhere in the mix with mom, Elvis, and Nicholas Cage). Have you ever heard the maxim, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it?” That’s supposed to be a mom thing. I, however, think it’s better suited for the dads of this world. Mom would never “take you out”. You’re her little baby, her pride and joy. Dad, however, remembers all those nights dinner wasn’t on time because your infant self was screaming about the scary reality of living. crying white baby Dad remembers trying to teach you hand-eye coordination with hours of throwing and catching only to sigh with defeat when hearing about your plan to major in musical theater. girl college graduate looking at useless degree

Just burn it.

And ladies: Dad remembers having to meet every one of your stupid throwaway boyfriends and pretending to tolerate them. douche jon mayer long hair surprised face

Exhibit A

And how do you repay him: discrete mentions of a starving bank account and 80% more grey hairs. I bet you didn’t even send him a card for Father’s Day. I’ll assume you didn’t. Here now are the ways you can show Dad how much he means to you with less-expensive versions of classic Father’s Day gifts: 1)      A watch watch nice fancy That’s funny, borederline hilarious. Who even wears watches anymore, let alone affords one? To fill the gap, make your dad a sundial. Those things are timeless. No, wait, time-full? They’re useful. Shut up. Read up on how sundials work, stick a hole in the ground and voila: Happy Father’s Day (please wait in line for your Lifetime of Disappointment medal) 2)      A nice scotch bottle pour glass of scotch Equally hilarious. The Walker brand of scotches will run you about $30 for their bottom shelf red, and your dad isn’t going to beam with pride if you hand him a fifth of Wild Turkey. So why break the bank for less booze? As I’ve said before: our brokeass mantra is “quantity over quality”. All hail Costco. The answer to Father’s Day booze is Grain Alcohol.

everclear grain alcohol 190 proofYEAH!!!!

Nothing says “I love you, Dad” like reeking 200 proof mistake juice. 3)      A tie assorted neck ties Given the rise of retail lords like Walmart and Target, a tie might not be a bad idea, but you have terrible taste because you’ve never been able to afford good taste, so don’t try to buy him a tie. I bet you don’t even know what his favorite color is. Instead of a tie, you’re going to make him a hemp bracelet!

facepalm star trek captain picardYou f*cking idiot.

Hear me out: bracelets made of rope are a sign of someone with enough money to enjoy sailing, so really this is a brilliant gift of a status symbol. YOU’RE WELCOME, FATHER. 4)      Sporting goods beginners-should-get-the-best-golf-clubs One golf club=about $30. A set will run your about $100. But guess how much a golf tee costs? Eight cents. EIGHT. AMERICAN. CENTS. You’re welcome. 5)      Recreational goods Deepsea fishing My dad doesn’t fish, but if your dad fishes I’m sure he’s really into it, like some men are with video games or porn. A decent fishing pole will cost you about $25, and that’s with zero bells and absolutely no whistles. But why get fancy now? Channel the Little Rascals and tie a string to a stick. It’s so simple a philosophy major can do it. philosophy major joke meme 6)      TV on DVD (share your Netflix password) My dad is a super serious Trekkie, which provides me with oodles of hilarious internet crap to share for him. I got him this hoodie a few Father’s Days ago. If your dad is passionate about a TV show, it would be super cool if you could afford to give him a DVD box set of that show. But you probably want to eat this month and DVDs are nearly dead, so instead, just let him share your Netflix password, and don’t judge him for anything in his viewing history.   And for the lightning round, here are some totally free items you can get him for Father’s Day: 1)      Photo slide show You probably went to art school which means you have a mac computer which means you have the Microsoft Office Suite at your disposal. Use Powerpoint to create a video slideshow for your dad. If you don’t know how to use Powerpoint that’s ok, it’s pointless and dead. 2)      Reddit.com/r/dadjokes It’s the holy grail of those awful, terrible groaner dad jokes, and he’ll feel super cool for knowing about Reddit. 3)      Try to be less bad with money Save at least 10% of every paycheck and stop ordering in. Almost anyone can boil an egg. 4)      Stop being a horrible failure Self explanatory.   To all the fathers out there, be they wealthy, non-existent middle class, or brokeass, have a happy and minimally disappointing Father’s Day.   Images courtesy of wikia.com, static.guim.co.uk, prdaily.com, thehollywoodgossip.com, askmen.com, skinet.com, cannabiscure.info,gallopwin.com, geek-news.mtv.com, beginnersgolfing.net, wikipedia.org, quickmeme.com,

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Forever Renting Riss

Forever Renting Riss

Marissa moved to San Francisco for love. She has previously moved to Los Angeles for dreams and Boston for distancing herself from her New Jersey roots.