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10 Ways to Stay Warm in New York’s Frozen Winter Temperatures

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If your nipples aren’t bleeding yet, I would assume that you are not human. I can understand, however, the physical dexterity you possess, which prevents blood from leaking out of your tightly erect nipples, if you answer to the names Mr. Freeze, Queen Elsa of Arendelle, Princess Anna of Arendelle, or Iceman. Otherwise, you’re not human.

I usually embrace the winter because I get a chance to laugh at the warm weather fanatics. Not this week. Not for this New Yorker. It is 10 degrees outside right now. I dare you to walk from Times Square to Herald Square. You won’t make it! It’s not any warmer indoors, either.

So here are some tips that may prevent you from becoming an icicle.

Layers on Layers on Layers

Thermals, skull caps, scarves, sweaters, hoodies, compression clothing, two pairs of socks, gloves, ski masks, turtlenecks, and warm coats are the minimum necessities for this type of weather. Try to use wool when it comes to sweaters, skull caps and scarves. Thermals made from synthetic material like acrylic and polyester are said to be better than ones made from knitted fabric.

No Skin, No Cold

The only area on your body that should be exposed is your eyes. The loss of body heat usually occurs when your skin is exposed, according to Survival Life. So cover up as much skin as possible. Enough said.

Fingerless Gloves: Used for More than Just Fingering a Snowman

Let’s face it. Your boss is a cheap bastard so he’s not turning up the thermometer to keep you warm. Oh! I’m sorry. Your boss actually has a heart. So it’s those asshole customers who don’t have the decency to properly close the door, who are contributing to your frosty disposition.

The layers may keep you warm, but if you need to handle money or paperwork, or if you just work in a cold office and you need to type, a pair of fingerless gloves will come through in the clutch. If that’s not your style then you can do what I do and poor boiling water over your hands every 30 minutes.

Warm Footwear Because You Love Your Feet

I already mentioned layering up with two pairs of socks or wool socks. But what good is it if you’re wearing low-cut sneakers with mesh material? You got to get hardcore with this weather. That means it’s time to break out the jaw-stomping boots. Personally, I’m a Timberland man. As Nas once said, “Suede Timbs on my feet makes my cypher complete.”

Women are a lot more fashionable, so I’ll understand if you prefer your Uggs or your cute rain boots for the snow. Whatever it is, it better keep your footsies warm.

Hot Drinks May Not Keep You Warm?

Not only do warm drinks keep you hydrated, but they also give you the feeling of warmth…for a moment. Peter McNaughton, a neuroscientist at the University of Cambridge said, “The hot drink somehow has an effect on your systemic cooling mechanisms, which exceeds its actual effect in terms of heating your body.” Hey, look on the bright side. At least that hot chocolate keeps your hands warm.

Don’t Shave!

I have personally found that being a ball of fur during these cold months is beneficial. My face doesn’t feel like it is being sodomized by the ghostly penis of the Abominable Snowman, which I like to think is a wonderful accomplishment. So let those beards grow! (That goes for women, too.)

Insulate the Crib-O

I was taught to take a heavy duty blanket, preferably those used to absorb sound in a recording studio, and duct taping it to all the windows; sealing all creases with the intention of keeping the cold air out. But here’s an inexpensive and efficient way to insulate windows and doors, by someone who know actually knows what they’re doing, on Houzz.

I Like to Cuddle in the Winter

Why not?

It is vital to keep your core from freezing; even your body knows this. That’s why blood flows away from your fingertips and toes, to your core. It’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, we need to protect the vital organs!” The warmer you core is, the less blood flows away from body parts which can easily fall victim to frostbite.

Here’s something to consider…

Women have a tendency to feel colder by 0.4 degrees, which isn’t much. But they typically tend to have less muscle than men, and muscle helps to keep us toasty. Add on the whole body heat thing when someone is suffering from hypothermia, and you have all the reasons in the world to cuddle. So go cuddle! Even if they’re just, ahem, friends. Loneliness can make you feel colder.

Sit On the Toilet before Using It

If you’re like me, you hate sitting on a cold toilet when it’s time to poop. Ideally I enjoy my toilet seat at room temperature. So when I feel the urge to take a dookie I sit on the toilet seat from anywhere between five to ten minutes, before I place my beautiful, bare derriere on the toilet seat.

Good Hygienic Practices

Showers in the winter fucking suck. If you have the luxury of living with a landlord who has mercy on your soul you have hot water during the winter. If not, try to remain as clean as possible. The rugged mental fortitude you need to take cold showers in the winter is neglected in the hallways of First World Problems. I believe that life assigns you a precise amount of superhuman strength to survive a cold shower in the winter, and I’m running low. So what I’m trying to is, I haven’t showered in a few days.

Stay warm, New Yorkers!

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Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

My father came, my mother saw...and I conquered. I encourage children to do drugs, I buy alcohol for teenagers, and I drink beer with the homeless. In my spare time, I attend art galleries for the FREE booze while rubbing elbows with modish elephants. I also hammer six-inch nails into small penises. Stuart knighted me as Broke-Ass King of New York. You've been warned.