Which Famous A**holes are Going to Burning Man This Year?

Who are the rich and famous a**holes you’ll see turnt up at the turnkey camps of Burning Man 2015?  Based on their public comments, social media posts and history of going to Burning Man every year because they can afford to, we’ve updated last year’s Which Famous Assholes are Going to Burning Man list to determine which famous assholes will be arriving in private jets to plug-and-play at the the Burning Man 2015 festival.

Realize there is no way to say definitively say whether a person is going to Burning Man almost four weeks out from the event. Health issues, spontaneous weddings or unplanned life events can come at you fast and alter your calendar no matter your socioeconomic status. Perfectly good Burners have to cancel their Burning Man plans every year, and this is even truer for wealthy asshole Burners.. But from what can we can tell from public remarks and social media shit-talking, these are the richest, most famous assholes going to Burning Man 2015.

GROVER NORQUIST – DEFINITELY GOING

After a long, hard summer of shilling for Uber and Karl Rove, asshole conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist declared on Twitter (July 24) that “It is official, Samah and I will be back at Burning Man this fall”. This week he posted a super-enlightened tweet noting he’s planning to pack “non-political baseball caps” for Burning Man this year, because playa fashion doesn’t get much better than men in baseball caps. Above we see him at the wealthy-inheritee asshole convention called the Aspen Ideas Festival which should have been called the Asshole Ideas Festival.

Norquist plans to bring fellow Republican asshole Rep. Mark Sanford (R-S.C.) with him this year. Sanford is best known for his 2009 “hiking the Appalachian Trail” disappearance-with-mistress scandal wherein said mistress lavishly traveled on taxpayer dollars while Sanford railed against government spending. Take a wild guess who’ll foot the bill for Sanford, his mistress and their molly at Burning Man 2015.

PARIS HILTON – DEFINITELY GOING   

Image: Eva Rinaldi Photography

Alleged DJ and confirmed asshole Paris Hilton has confirmed via Twitter and Facebook that she is totally planning to go to Burning Man 2015. “Less then a month away till #Burningman!  Time to order outfits from my favorite costume designers…” she tweeted Friday, along with a since-deleted Instagram link. On Saturday she posted to Facebook, “Love these costumes that @ElectricLaundry custom made me for #EDC. Can’t wait to see what beautiful creations they will make me for #Burningman!#FlowerChild.”

PUFF DADDY – MAYBE GOING

Image: Instagram

What’s this asshole calling himself these days? Not sure. But pop star and purveyor of fine apparel for the asshole demographic Puff Daddy has been known to attend Burning Man and has proudly commodified Burning Man in a Fiat commercial in years past.

MARK ZUCKERBERG- WIFE PROBABLY WON’T LET HIM GO

Image: Jason McELweenie

Asshole founder and CEO of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg has attended Burning Man in years past but probably won’t go this year because his pregnant wife won’t let him. I know, that sort of undermines this article because it makes him seem like less of an asshole.

WILL SMITH – PROBABLY GOING

Image: Walmart Corporate

No “Wife won’t let me go” problems for Will Smith! Possibly separated asshole Scientologist Will Smith went to Burning Man last year and is not scheduled to shill for Walmart at any point between August 30 – September 7, 2015.

HOLLY MADISON  – MAYBE GOING

Image: Mark Richardson

I have never heard of this asshole Holly Madison, but apparently she’s in Sharknado 3 and she dated Hugh Hefner for like 9 or 10 minutes. Ms. Madison happily attended Burning Man 2013 according to her website.

ROSARIO DAWSON – PROBABLY GOING

Image: “Sin City”, Miramax

I shouldn’t call Rosario Dawson an asshole. She’s more of a vagina, as evidenced by the 30-foot vagina tunnel she has ‘erected’ at Burning Man in years past. Maybe I’m kind of an asshole for calling Rosario Dawson an asshole. Which brings us to our final asshole….

ME – DEFINITELY GOING

Image: The asshole showing his ass above

I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes even though I’m doing the exact same thing as those assholes. Hell, I’ve even got two of the above-named assholes are on my iPod right now! These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people in contemporary arts and culture. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin cars because they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have Star Wars-themed parties together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

But it will probably be a more beautiful thing for you if you can avoid me and these assholes at Burning Man 2015.