Elf on the Shelf Moves to San Francisco
We kept hearing about this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon, the elf that is “Santa’s eyes and ears”. Parents tell their children that he reports back to Santa each night on their behavior, (Big Brother allusions aside) sometimes parents stage the elf in different and fun ways, and make up stories about the shenanigans their elf got into during the night. We wondered what it would be like for a young and plucky elf to try and make it in modern day San Francisco. So, meet Chad, an ambitious elf who moves to ‘the big city’ to seek his fortune.
The Story of Chad the Elf:
Fresh out of Elf school, and wanting to be ‘the man’
Chad read 2 articles in Fortune, and packed his bags for ‘San Fran’
“It should take me two weeks, to sell my idea for an app,
My company will kill it! We’ll get investors and bootstrap”
“Time to see the city, not a moment to spare,
I’m going to the Bay Bridge, Fisherman’s Wharf & Alamo Square!”
The hotel website said ‘City Center’ , ‘pay in bitcoin’!
But when he arrived he realized, he was staying in the Tenderloin
After networking at mixers, Chad had lined up his pitch
in the morning he would sell his ideas, and no doubt strike it rich
He called Santa and said ‘this place is amazing, I don’t mean to boast
but my selfies are priceless and they sell 4 dollar toast’
At the pitch it was “Synergy, synergy, synergy, gentlemen we can’t lose!
If we monetize children’s dreams, we’ll retire at age 30 with champagne on a cruise!”
It was rumored that initially Ron Conway offered 2.1 million in investment, until one of his aids reminded him that he hates the joy of Christmas and that Elfs do not actually exist, so he rescinded his offer.
“We’ll stick a camera in every Elf, and collect data on the kids,
we’ll use the info to sell merchandise, based on the naughty things they did”
But no one bought the concept, “too much competition” they said,
“you’re app isn’t disruptive, we wont give you any bread,”
Now very low on money, and without a place to stay,
Chad got a job at Uber, driving Lyft during the day.
Finding a place to live was brutal, there was no affordable housin’
but he finally found a room for just under $9000
With his nights free, Chad found his new shoe box a bore
He let his inibitions go, and decided to explore
He tried IPA, looked at art, and and took several tours of the town,
He met friends, discovered new things, culture abound
But after some months he couldn’t afford rent, and although he tried
Like many San Franciscans, he ended up sleeping outside
What will happen next to Chad? Stay tuned for the next installment!
*No elfs were hurt in the making of this story.
Story and Photos by Alex Mak, Stuart Schuffman & Amiee Kushner
Howdy! My name is Katy Atchison and I'm an Associate Editor for Broke-Ass Stuart.
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