AdviceComedyComedyNewsSan FranciscoTech

Elf on the Shelf Moves to San Francisco

Updated: Dec 28, 2015 09:10
The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

We kept hearing about this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon, the elf that is “Santa’s eyes and ears”. Parents tell their children that he reports back to Santa each night on their behavior, (Big Brother allusions aside) sometimes parents stage the elf in different and fun ways, and make up stories about the shenanigans their elf got into during the night.  We wondered what it would be like for a young and plucky elf to try and make it in modern day San Francisco. So, meet Chad, an ambitious elf who moves to ‘the big city’ to seek his fortune.

elf product picture


The Story of Chad the Elf:

Fresh out of Elf school, and wanting to be ‘the man’
Chad read 2 articles in Fortune, and packed his bags for ‘San Fran’

“It should take me two weeks, to sell my idea for an app,
My company will kill it! We’ll get investors and bootstrap”
new elf pic

“Time to see the city, not a moment to spare,
I’m going to the Bay Bridge, Fisherman’s Wharf & Alamo Square!”

trolly 2

The hotel website said ‘City Center’ , ‘pay in bitcoin’!
But when he arrived he realized, he was staying in the Tenderloin


After networking at mixers, Chad had lined up his pitch
in the morning he would sell his ideas, and no doubt strike it rich

He called Santa and said ‘this place is amazing, I don’t mean to boast
but my selfies are priceless and they sell 4 dollar toast’

4 dollar toast

At the pitch it was “Synergy, synergy, synergy, gentlemen we can’t lose!
If we monetize children’s dreams, we’ll retire at age 30 with champagne on a cruise!”


It was rumored that initially Ron Conway offered 2.1 million in investment, until one of his aids reminded him that he hates the joy of Christmas and that Elfs do not actually exist, so he rescinded his offer.


“We’ll stick a camera in every Elf, and collect data on the kids,
we’ll use the info to sell merchandise, based on the naughty things they did”

But no one bought the concept, “too much competition” they said,
“you’re app isn’t disruptive, we wont give you any bread,”

thumbs down

Now very low on money, and without a place to stay,
Chad got a job at Uber, driving Lyft during the day.

uber lyft

Finding a place to live was brutal, there was no affordable housin’
but he finally found a room for just under $9000

shoe 2

With his nights free, Chad found his new shoe box a bore
He let his inibitions go, and decided to explore

e bar

He tried IPA, looked at art, and and took several tours of the town,

e arrow

He met friends, discovered new things,  culture abound

leather pop out

But after some months he couldn’t afford rent,  and although he tried
Like many San Franciscans, he ended up sleeping outside
e bench

What will happen next to Chad? Stay tuned for the next installment!

*No elfs were hurt in the making of this story.
Story and Photos by Alex Mak, Stuart Schuffman & Amiee Kushner

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Bring Back the Bay Guardian -- and Win a Metaphorical Unicorn!

Next post

This Week's Events | San Francisco + New York

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got great things to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community.
alex at