I’m Too Fuckin Old for EDM Festivals…and so are you

Adding to the list of events nowhere near Levi Stadium but christened “super bowl events”: Super City 50 EDM cluster fuck fest 2016! I spent my Saturday night bumping around this event.

First off dear reader, you may be offended at the title; too bad, reality is a cold hard bitch.
Here, let’s take a little quiz:

• Are you more than 3 years over 18?
• When you go to these events are you able to wear whatever you want without changing in between cars so mom and dad won’t see your neon thong tutu with matching cat ears outfit?
• Are you confused what a matching neon thong tutu cat ears outfit looks like?
• Do you find puke in the doorway of an event a pretty gross newb move?

*If you answered yes to any of these questions, I hate to break it to you, but you’re too damn old to be going.

But, let’s move on.
I arrived to this event and was lucky enough to be allowed to enter in the VIP entrance where I was greeted by more “OWH MUY GWADS” and high pitched noises then I knew what to do with. (Still not sure what was so exciting…fake ivy plants set to top 40s techno? Is that cool now?)
Also, throw up. None of my fellow bass junkie patrons seemed to mind or notice this rookie mistake upon entry. For which I need to pause. Did I miss something? In my days of thong tutu wearing, it was embarrassing if you couldn’t handle your drugs! You didn’t puke the minute you walked in! You hid in shame in an ally throwing up there, as you should. Gross, get your shit together. I guess what I’m saying youth of EDM, learn how to do your drugs.

I digress.
Despite this initial smack in the face of glittery idealism and abandonment, the crowd overall is somehow….subdued? The VIP Lounge had the vibe of some high school hall way, but the school had no dress code and the teachers (security contractors) gave less than no fucks. Chaotic and loud, yet maintained and not that wild. The rowdiest I saw while walking around was the occasional couples laying on the ground, in the Oakland Coliseum, rubbing on each other…and more people throwing up in the bleachers (God damn it…stop that). Really though, nothing says sexy sexy times like rolling around the Coliseum’s concrete floors littered with puke and beer from past and current events. So I watch for a couple minutes.
I give up on the party newbs and head to get a better view of what’s going on. I get lost many times and wander the labyrinth of tunnels and hallways in the Coliseum. Realizing no one is interested in reading about me being a tipsy Nancy Drew, I get my ass up to the press box. After surveying the massive crowd that fills the stage and dance floor area built into the A’s field, I am escorted to the press pit next to the stage for pictures. I must say, the organizers did a hell of a job turning a baseball field into a huge area of dance.

I check for some debauchery down on the floor, but I find bunches of people on their phone and a few girls gyrating on the bars barely able to keep their eyes open…at least no one is puking here so I consider this area a win.

Finally, the main acts start and I realize the general mellow vibe must have been be due to the lack of lights flashing at them. It did start at 2pm, day light is very confusing and doesn’t flash. Now everyone is moving!

But, really, it wasn’t all bad. E-40 showed up during Diplo’s set! Major Lazer got some play as being part of what makes Diplo awesome in the opening of his set. Diplo also shot confetti all over and that was wildly entertaining watching people’s minds get blown out of their ass from it.

All in all his set wasn’t bad. Acting very confident in myself I was able to get back stage and dance around there. I’m sure I gave myself away by, in actuality, not being cool.

Also, there was someone named Alesso there. I don’t think that’s a real person’s name.
In conclusion, the bar there make a pretty stiff G&T, thank glitter gob is was the reasonable price of only $13 and, bonus, few were old enough to get drinks, so no line!