AdviceBoozeSan Francisco

7 San Francisco Bars to Cry In by Yourself

Updated: Apr 12, 2023 09:29
The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news



from uncyclopedia

It’s been the worst day imaginable. Your dog died, you got fired, your laptop was stolen, and your partner comes out of the closet – as actually being straight – and runs away with someone of the opposite gender. All you wanna do is go to the nearest bar and be left alone to cry your eyes out into a big glass of booze. Here’s a list of the best bars in San Francisco to do that in.

The Brown Jug

From the SF Bar Experiment

Editors note: The Brown Jug has recently closed. Read about it here.

No one gives a shit at The Brown Jug. They’ve seen it all, and there’s not really much you can say or do that will even raise an eyebrow. I once met an old timer who told me he’d been a millionaire two or three times and lost it all each time. He was either a conman or a compulsive liar or both.


by TheRealMichaelMoore

Sitting at the corner of Jones and Ellis, Jonell’s is in the heart of the shit in the Tenderloin. And many many Tenderloin-ish things happen there. It’s the the kind of place where you don’t sit with your back to the door. Considering that the people who work there and drink there have probably watched a crackhead eat a baby, you crying into your beer will go completely unnoticed.

Grandma’s Saloon

photo from yelp

Grandma’s clientele mostly consists of old people, poolsharks and pukers. I once saw a guy (who looked like he might be Grandpa) nodding off, sleeping upright, in a chair next to the pool table. He might have even been dead. Zero fucks are given at Grandma’s so go get your weep on.


photo from Xpress

I had a campaign fundraiser at Clooney’s when I was running for mayor. We brought in a good amount of young attractive people and the regulars barely looked up from either the TV or their beers. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone who goes to Clooney’s has cried there at least once. Luckily the bartenders are the kind that might even try to cheer you up…I did say “might”.

Red’s Place

from caamedia

Dark and drunk, Red’s Place has been a good place to go mope in solitude for over 60 years. From old Chinese guys to young white tourists, everyone is welcome to come sulk at Red’s Place. Tears look especially dramatic when they reflect the bright neon beer sign lights.

The Tonga Room

from kqed

Order yourself a giant scorpion bowl and wait until the rain and thunder start over the pool in the middle of the Tonga Room. Then just let it all out. No one will be able to hear you and they might think the tears on your face are just water splashed from the fake monsoon.

Pittsburgh Pub

My friend has seen several people cry at the Pittsburgh Pub. Once a man cried with his head down on the bar next to one of their free hotdogs. If this isn’t a good enough reason to go cry here I don’t know what is.


What are your favorite bars to cry in or where have you seen some weeping yourself? Tell us in the comments.


Previous post

The Most F***ed-Up S*** To Happen At 'Miss Behave Game Show'

Next post

The 7 Best Dressed Oscars of All Time

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.