How I Lie About My Life with Instagram

You’re thinking:
She has a puppy.  He’s fluffy and cute and loves her.  She has a lovely time frolicking with him through fields of ambrosia and Haribo gummi bears.  He willingly poses with her and cherishes being held.  You know how they say:  dogs resemble their owners – it’s kind of true.  So adorable and care-free.

Reality:
I am not this dog’s owner.  He belongs to a family I babysit for when I need extra money because San Francisco is expensive, I work on straight commission and spend all my money on Plan B wine and Chinese Food.  That’s right – I am an adult babysitter.  After multiple raids of the family snack cabinet, I forced this little guy to pose with me against his will.  He subsequently grazed my brand new Vince sweater with his red rocket. I almost cried.

The ‘I’m Super Outdoorsy and Active’ Shot

You’re thinking:
She went hiking with a couple of friends.  She inhaled the fresh, dewy breeze as she effortlessly trudged up the smooth terrain.  She lives in beautiful California, and is an avid hiker/completely content with life.

Reality:
I was forced to go on a group hike against my will by a friend who criticizes me for always flaking.  I struggled to keep my balance on the uneven, rocky terrain as I trailed behind my friends like an atrophied noodle. As a result, I inhaled their farts.  The only hikes I take are to my corner store to buy Parliaments and Doritos. This photo is filtered to the umpteenth degree.

The Vacation Shot

You’re thinking:
She’s in Newport and has had the best vacation ever.

Reality:
This was taken 2 hours before my mom drove me to the airport and lectured me for an hour and a half about partying less and finding a husband/better job/life.  After a week of boozing, headbanging and smoking cigs I am so tired I could cry.  My hangover anxiety coupled with my fear of flying is almost too much for me to bear and I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  I am heartbroken about leaving my friends and family because I know I won’t see them again until Christmas BECAUSE AIRFARE.

The San Francisco City-Scape Shot 

You’re thinking:

Oh wow, she’s taking a beautiful stroll through luminous San Francisco.  She is basking in the twilight and loving life.

Reality:

I remember this night.  I was walking home from the dentist because I had 2.17 in my bank account because I’d just paid out of pocket for a root canal and didn’t have insurance because I’d recently been fired from a reception position because menial tasks like greeting people, answering phones and making coffee gave me debilitating social anxiety (was that a run-on?).  I felt worthless, alone and sad.  It was not a good night for me.

The Throwback Shot

You’re thinking:
Aw, what a cute family picture.

Reality:
I’m self-conscious because I can’t stop wetting the bed or breastfeeding (hence boob-grab). And sucking my thumb.

The Cool Urban Shot

You’re thinking:
She got up early to take a brisk walk around the city.  She’s so together and independent.

Reality:
I met a recent college grad guy at Balboa last night and am walk-of-shaming from his parent’s house apartment, there is a twig in my hair and I think I left my spanks under said guy’s bed.  The heel on my shoe is broken, my mascara has run all the way down to my chin and I think I just saw my coworker drive by.  I also just mistook a random person’s car as my uber and tried to get into the back seat, scaring the ever living shit out of her.  I feel confused.

The “I have a Valentine and can Prove it to You” shot

You’re thinking:
She has a hot Valentine who was creative enough to send her 80 bags of her favorite candy because ROMANCE AND THOUGHTFULNESS.

Reality:
My receptionist bought and put these into a heart formation for me as a surprise.  I am perpetually single because I always go for unavailable players and oh my fucking god, I am a therapist’s wet dream.

The “I went to a Snoop Dogg concert on 4/20 at the Fillmore, My life is Filled with Activities’ Shot

You’re thinking:
She went to a cool concert at one of San Francisco’s oldest venues with her older brother. Family time is so valuable and they sure know how to have fun!

Reality:
I am stoned/paranoid out of my mind, and just got whipped in the face by some guy’s dread. I’m clinging to my brother so I won’t lose him in this massive crowd of concert-goers that are terrifying the fucking shit out of me.  I have already drunk texted 4 exes and the night is young.  Also, I can’t feel my face.

The ‘I have a Job’ shot

You’re thinking:
Oh, she has fun at her pretty decent job and is able to laugh with her coworkers.

My boss ripped me a new asshole after I had the maintenance guy snap this photo while she was in the shitter.  She threatened to fire me if I didn’t pull it together – and I cried hysterically.  Then I ate a cup o’ noodles for lunch because INSUFFICIENT FUNDS.

The “I’m Cleansing and Am Super Healthy” Post

You’re thinking:
She’s super healthy and has bought into the whole San Francisco juice cleanse craze.  Hip.

Reality:
These bottles belonged to my coworker, Darryl.

And, that’s all I got.  My point: life isn’t always as it seems, especially on social media. But you knew that – this was just a friendly reminder.