Bartenders Tell Their Craziest ‘Drunk Customer’ Stories
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Every now and again we ask YOU our fine readers a question on facebook. Sometimes its about your Worst Public Transit Stories, sometimes its about the Weirdest Places You’ve Had Sex, the responses we get are always amazing.
This question was specifically for our beloved bartenders. The poor bastards who have to watch the herd while it gets plastered and destroys the bathroom. Since Stuart knows approximately 4 million bartenders, the question racked up over a 100 incredible stories on his page in a matter of hours. Here are some of our favorites:
Jeremy K – Had a chick decide that she wanted to dance on the bar for her birthday… took off her top and hopped up ignoring my yelling at her to stop… She never even saw the ceiling fan until it caught her in the face at full speed… She fell backwards off of the bar and landed in the lap of an 60ish year old guy that stunk of urine. Im not sure which was funnier the her flailing through the air or the look on his face like it was Christmas morning…. she was so embarrassed she left without putting her top on to the whole bar cheering…. the urine guy immediately followed thinking their love was meant to be… I literally couldnt serve anyone for about 5 minutes from laughing so hard.
Tuffy T – Dude begging to get punched in the face and then immediately getting punch in the face.
Jean F – I had someone fill his pockets with human poop. The pockets had holes in the bottom, so he walked around the bar shaking out terds all over the bar. Bar is packed with a band and now is smelling like poop. When I kicked him out he took a shit while I was talking to him and let it hit the floor. Pants still on!!
Sadly this is not the only time I’ve had to clean up human shit (not in the bathroom) while bartending. I don’t know if this something to be proud of, but I now have a kick-ass shit cleaning up system. Lol
Amy S-H – Once had a chick pass out in the bathroom. Upon club closing we woke her up and she tried to call her friends on her cell. But instead of a cell I looked back and she was “calling” using her shoe. It was like Get Smart but with a BCBG stiletto.
Becca P – Where to start… a very drunk man proceeded to give my manager a “purple nurple” upon being asked to leave.
Cat D – a dude peed on a wall in front of me a couple months ago while I was working the door of the club. the wall was one of those fancy reclaimed wood ones with lots of planters on shelves. I wanted to die.
David L – Guy came up and yelled “A drink” I asked him what he wanted and he said, “surprise me!” So I poured him Chardonnay. He asked what it was, I told him, he goes “WTF is Chardonnay!?” I tell him, he nods and walks away. Comes back 30 seconds later and yells “One more!” “Another Chardonnay?” And he goes “WTF IS CHARDONNAY!!??” I calmly reply “It’s white wine and you’re done”
Jeremy B – Saw a young lady doing rails off a toilet while being pleasured from behind.I don’t know if its the weirdest thing but it may possibly be the most non hygienic.
Janelle B – A guy grabbed a liquor bottle (Hennessy naturally) from behind the bar and tried to stab me with plastic garnish sword when I screamed at him.
Nicole P – I’ve been a bartender for 14 years. I’ve seen it all and still I am surprised by the shenanigans of the classic drunk.
I think the worst thing I’ve seen is a young girl falling and knocking her front teeth out apparently days before her wedding.
The craziest thing I’ve seen would be a drunk couple who wanted to go to Bonetown and ended up fucking in the kitchen in front of the entire kitchen staff. You’d think it would have been awkward for the couple, but it took more than a few attempts to peel them apart. They still come into my restaurant as there is no shame to their game. Drunks are crazy, fun, sad, hilarious, infantile, and they’ve paid my rent for more than a decade.
Meira P – This very drunk guy goes into the men’s room to throw up. He pushes the stall door open and throws up immediately. It turns out there’s already a guy in and the lock on the door just doesn’t work. He’s now sitting there covered in vomit. The first guy realises he’s going to get beat up and decides to get a head start: he punches the guy on the toilet and runs. The situation ends with the bouncer throwing out the raging guy who’s bleeding and smells like vomit. The first guy continues his night at the bar.
Peter G – I once saw a guy walk out of the men’s room stall holding his ears and saying : my ears, they hurt! Turns out some asshole dropped a lit m80 into the bowl, flushed it down but got caught in the trap. This poor guy walks in to take a piss and the toilet exploded! Messed up his ankle right through his pants. When I heard the explosion through the wall of my office, I figured some mafia Guido (this is ny in 1990) wasted some rival Guido in our john. Nobody died, it was a good night.
J.j. C – One night a girl in a wrap dress came in alone. As she got more drunk she became less wrapped. As I was in the process of getting her a sweater and out the door, she asked to use the bathroom. I said OK. She’s in there for quite some time. Knocked on the door. Heard a huge crash. She broke the tank of the toilet some how. We had to turn off the water. Get her out the door and into a cab. Some guy tries to get in there with her. I’m not having that at all so I tell him to go fuck him self. The girls cab drives off. The dude actually steps to me like he’s going to fight me. This is right outside the bar and the other bouncers are right there. He gets sent on his merry way. We all calm down and get back to normal. Tape up the bathroom etc.
An hour later a small middle aged lady walks in with a chinchilla on her shoulder. No I.D. Just a chinchilla. Those things are really soft. I politely tell the lady that she can’t stay because she has no I.D. and the bartender says we don’t allow ferrets, so no chinchillas. She leaves, we all wave.
Shai W – A drunk idiot stole a bottle of blue caracao from behind the bar, downed like more than half of it, then when confronted about it, denied it, even though he had blue lips, teeth, clothes and chin. Then said idiot throws up into someone else’s drink, then proceeds to drink it… #scarred4life
Shanti S – One time, in the beginning of the Buckshot days, we caught a couple fucking in the men’s room. The dude had the girl on he floor on her back and was pounding away missionary style. They were right in front of the pee trough and her back and hair had piss on it.
I am friends with the guy who owned the photobooth. The thing about these new digital photobooth a that people don’t understand is that it’s all saved on the computer’s hard drive. I can tell you firsthand that there was plenty of boning in that photobooth, much of it was butt sex.
Phil B – How much time you got? I had a girl on her period bleeding through her pants dance on the bar for Ron Jeremy.
Liz R – I saw a chick at zeitgeist take a massive diarrhea shut on the floor.
Chandra G – Right in front of the Syc this gal was on her phone when a pigeon dive-bombed her and then fell to the ground with a broken wing.
An older mission-lady pushing a cart full of repurposed funeral flowers grabbed the pigeon off the side walk and starts smacking the girl it suicided on. It was maybe around noon.
Kim C – I opened the bar at 6am and by 8am this guy was so hammered he was sitting in his barstool pissing on the bar. I thought he had just shaken his bottle of beer and was spraying it until I heard this older woman shout, “oh my god! He’s peeing!! Oh my god!! He’s SO BIG!!” He grabbed his beer and ran out. His friend apologized profusely and cleaned it all up. What a great guy! I heard they work for thrasher. Shout out to the guy that cleaned the piss for me!
Frederick N –Ruby Room ca. 2000, I was leaning in to pick up my drinks from the bar and a woman stuck her tongue in my ear and said “sorry, I haven’t had dinner yet”
Sara M – One time this woman wearing a jumpsuit threw a glass at our sweet sweet bartender Justin, and while she was being carted out by our dear security guards she shit herself.
Allison S – Oh man, there are so many! Of course all the fights, puking, bad Tinder dates and pick-up attempts, people falling, nudity, yadda yadda yadda. I never tire of people getting mad and threaten me with “I know the owner!” when I am, in fact, the owner and they have no idea. There is a woman who lives in an apartment that overlooks the back patio of my bar and she’s constantly having sex with the blinds open in pretty much full view of our customers (we don’t even bother to watch anymore). There was the time someone accidentally left their semi-automatic handgun behind (we turned it into the police). I also have a photo of a former carnival performer balancing a barstool on his nose inside the bar. I’ll post again if I think of more ….
Yayne A – Woman came in and started giving every one lap dances. Even though no one wanted one. She started twerking in the middle of bar and pulled up her dress to reveal she wasn’t wearing panties and hadn’t shaved there probably ever.
Another huge Samoan couple, on a crowded night , decided to have sex on the couch in front of every one. In both situations, I had to kick the people out because my big ass bouncer was afraid to
Marina G – Gawd, not sure now if it was Shannon’s (now Boardroom) or Knob Hill Tavern (now Wreak room) but a well dressed man propped his equally well dressed date on the bar. I tilted my head like a confused puppy (insert raised eyebrow here) to then see him try to go down on her. NAH AHHHHHH!!! I hopped over the bar & man handled them out the door. NOT IN MY BAR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Lina Maria – A man slyly trying to have sex with a woman at the end of the bar at the RESTAURANT I worked at in the Mission. He and his partner where completely hammered. It was 7:30pm and when I kindly asked him to stop he got angry and demanded to speak with the manager!
David M G – I’ve served a lot of drunks and have witnessed all manner of bad behavior but by far the most extreme and degenerate thing I’ve ever witnessed was a girl coming home with me.
Otter K – Saw a middle-aged man come to a show alone, already fucked up, and proceed to mosh like an animal (it was not a mosh pit type of show). Then he took off his shirt, grabbed a pitcher of water off of the bar and poured it all over himself and those near him.
Marissa P – This chick pulled her pants down (UNWARRANTED) and spread her butt cheeks to show me that some guy had written his phone number in there during her preceding threesome. There was no longer a legible phone number but instead only blackness and a bit of toilet paper
Susan P – A man stood up in his seat and started chucking martini glasses at the bartender, yelling “Al Quaeda shit for brains,” over and over. He kept screaming it as we kicked him out. A girl thinking the ice machine was a toilet. Luckily we stopped her. A girl getting into an argument with my coworker, who started throwing glasses at my head, like a professional pitcher. I learned i was a ninja that day.
Christopher R V – Poop in a urinal by far. A woman, in the men’s room, popped a squat and took a duece in the stand-up urinal with the door open to the world.
Ronald T – At Delirium in early 2000’s, woman at far end of bar hurled a bud bottle at me, caught me upside the head, but didn’t break (it self or my head). I grabbed the bottle and went down to confront her. She listened, then said “fuck, I wasn’t aiming at you”.
Valerie L – My nursing stories are much better than my bartending ones. Most recently a guy came in with a foam pool noodle stuck in his ass.