Australians Furious Over Movie Where a Guy Bangs Other Guy with Didgeridoo
By Jonas Barnes
A guy fucked another guy on film with a didgeridoo, and Australia is pissed off.
Now I want you to read that sentence again, slowly, and savor all of the mental flavor profiles you’re getting out of it. Swish it around in your brain like a fine wine and really take it in. Are you done?
Okay, now that you’ve fully absorbed the sheer wonderment of that sentence, let’s talk about it.
I feel like it needs to be discussed on some level. I haven’t decided which level yet so this will be more of a “Choose Your Own Adventure In The Land Of Didgeridoo Ass Play” type of piece. I’ve seen a LOT of fucked up porn and, if I’m being honest with myself, this one even threw me for a loop. So let’s start the adventure, shall we?
Let’s give some backstory and, dare I say, plot to the film in question before anything else. It’s a real porn film called “Didgeridoo Me” and the plot is very simple.
One guy comes home and plays the didgeridoo. His partner is awoken from his slumber, gets pissed off and does what any understanding partner would do when being woken up by their significant other playing an instrument: He breaks it in half and fucks him with it.
That’s the story.
I’m sure they have some relationship backstory or something, but this isn’t a Katherine Heigl film. It’s dudes doing dudes with Didgeridoos. Fuck you, that should have been the title. I’m a genius.
There is a joke saying that says “Anything Can Be A Dildo If You Try Hard Enough” and these guys proved that to be true. Have you seen a didgeridoo before? It’s a 5 or 6-foot tall woodwind instrument that looks like it should be nowhere near a person’s asshole.
Unless you’re playing it with your asshole, I guess. That would almost be more impressive. Anyway, these don’t look very “butt friendly” is what I’m getting at. From the tip down the body, there are  zero things about a didgeridoo that say “That should totally go inside someone on film.” Most instruments share that quality but this big aboriginal Australian motherfucker is the king of that category.
Australians are really, really pissed off about this film. They’re calling it things like “horrifyingly offensive” because two white guys are fucking each other with an instrument that was played by aboriginal Australians. Not the actual shit & blood covered horn used in the movie, but symbolically speaking. I can understand that sentiment. To say that it’s culturally insensitive is a continent sized understatement. Truthfully, I’m more intrigued by the sheer overreaction of the character in the film. This guy has serious anger issues.
Can you imagine living in a world where we fucked our partner with the thing they woke us up with?
All potential sex toys
What a terrifying pandora’s box of potential sex toys that is! Video game controllers, guitars, televisions, eating utensils, shoes, keyboards and even coughs are all fair game now. Yes, I said coughs. You could wake up, get pissed off, bend your partner over the couch and cough into their asshole for an hour if you followed the formula of the movie. What I’m saying is that it sets a dangerous example and is quite unrealistic.
The real star of the film is the guy on the receiving end of this concert of punishment. This power bottom is a tougher man than I could ever strive to be.
If I read a contract for a scene and saw that I was going to be fucked by a didgeridoo, I’d make sure to update my life insurance policy before adding a few more zeroes to the end of my asking fee for the scene. I’d make peace with whatever higher power I could, and then I’d hope for the best.
 I’d accept that shitting properly was just no longer going to be a part of my life and that my farts would forever sound like bulldog jowls flapping in the wind.
I’d simply hope and pray that I’d be able to enjoy my paycheck and maybe invest it and live off of it for my final days. Because that’d be the end for me. Not this fucking hero, though. From what I’ve seen on screenshots, this dude didn’t even shed a tear as a man was using a didgeridoo to pole vault off his balloon knot. Do you understand how manly that is? I mean, can you truly fathom how insanely strong that man is for taking that with barely a wince? No, you can’t because it’s impossible.
“Didgeridoo Me” is the new standard bearer when it comes to the toughness of Australian men.
I’m sorry, rugby players, but you just got butt fucked into second place. And until you boys start passing the rugby ball around using only your assholes, you don’t even have a chance to take that crown back.
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