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Trump to Announce Canadian Border Wall to Keep Out Polar Vortex

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President Trump is scheduled to give his annual State of the Union Speech Tuesday evening in front of Congress.  In a press conference Tuesday morning Trump indicated he will be unveiling new plans to build a border wall with Canada in order to help keep out ‘dangerous Canadian weather’.  When questioned by reporters Trump said,  “When Canada sends its weather, they’re not sending they’re best.  They’re not sending sunshine.  They’re sending weather that has lots of problems.  Their weather is bringing ice, it’s bringing snow, it’s raping people.  And some of it, I assume, is good weather.”

  “It’s going to be a  beautiful wall, the best wall, and the mounties are going to pay for it”. – President Trump

When questioned further by the press, Trump stood firm, “Listen”, he said, “there are polar vortexes pouring over our borders, and ravaging all the fine, plumb people of Wisconsin & Indiana, so we’re going to build a wall to stop it, It’s going to be a beautiful wall, the best wall.”  Just before stepping away from the podium, Trump added, “and the mounties are going to pay for!”

As Trump stepped back, Presidential speechwriter Stephen Miller came forward to say a few words.  “The US has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s snow, and we are going to do something about it,” said Miller, “if the Democrats had their way, they’d just stand aside and let the snow storms come in for tea and hotdogs.”  When asked if the Trump administration had gotten the model for the new polar vortex wall from the TV show Game of Thrones.  Miller simply leaned into the microphone and said, “At tonight’s State of the Union, ‘winter is coming'”.

Miller simply said, “At tonight’s State of the Union, ‘winter is coming'”. 

Later that morning Kelly Ann Conway fielded questions on Fox News. “There are unconfirmed true facts that ‘polar vortexes’ and some say ‘wildlings’ are roaming free all around the Canadian border,” Kelly Ann stated, “The President simply wants to protect the American people from the Canadian threat…and quite frankly, the ‘White Walkers'”.  When reporters asked if Kelly Ann was getting her ‘facts’ from the popular HBO series Game of Thrones, she replied, “If Nancy Pelosi had her way, everyone in America would become a White Walker tomorrow.”

Trump’s State of the Union speech will take place at 6pm PST, February 5th. You can watch it live on any of these: CBS NewsNBCABCFox NewsCNN.  Stacey Abrams of Georgia will be giving the Democratic response.

*Also, this article was satire.  Barely.

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

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