Guy You Met One Time Three Years Ago Invites You To Weird Facebook Event
by Ben Mangelsdorf
Facebook user Keith Lightbringer, real name Keith Edwards, sent shockwaves through your Facebook feed Saturday evening by sending you an invite to an event called “AntAlien Presents: Cathedralasis / EGGTEEN.”
Lightbringer, who you think you met at a 70s-themed party that a Tinder date brought you to one time three years ago, is known for heavy Facebook activity. “It’s a great way to connect with the people close to me,” he said in regards to the numerous statuses he shares daily about Marxist politics and black metal music. “It’s self expression, definitely.”
While much of his activity has been unobtrusive, this event invitation marks the first time he has directly reached out. Facebook analytic experts have determined that this can largely be attributed to Lightbringer’s discovery of the “mass invite” function. Additionally, Lightbringer, whose profile picture is from 2014 and is of a dragon, stated that “we need more people to get out to these events,” suggesting a newfound sense of desperation.
“I’m not sure what made Keith finally decide to invite all of his friends, but I think it’s great,” said his roommate, Patrick Waters. “I think it could definitely lead to him being out of the house more.”
Analytics experts have been working tirelessly to figure out exactly what the event is. “The title of the event definitely implies that it’s a concert of some kind, but the precise features are hard to pin down,” said lead analyst Marla Rawthorn. The Facebook event page lists the event’s location as “Lizard City Warehouse,” a detail which has proved elusive to figure out. Beyond this, the description of the event simply reads “bring a claw.”
“We just don’t know what the fuck it is,” she admitted. “It’s definitely something beyond the current scope of our team. It’s some real weird shit.”
When asked if he knew any of the event’s details, Waters simply replied “no, but am I getting paid for this interview?”
Lightbringer, who has a weird haircut, seemed hopeful at the prospect you would reply to his invite. “I’ve been getting a lot of ‘maybes’ so far. I think this could be a good one!” He commented on the event wall at 2:21 AM.
The analytics team, meanwhile, was less optimistic. “Our tests thus far have determined that there’s a 0 to 2.2 percent chance of you going. Most tests have even returned a strong likelihood that you won’t even reply to say you’re not going, and will just ignore the invite entirely.”
For you, this would serve as a logical choice, as memories of meeting Lightbringer are hazy at best.
“Let’s face it, no one goes to these events anyway,” the team added. “It’s scientifically-verifiable weirdo shit, quite frankly. Most of our tests show that people just want to stay at home and read Chrissy Teigen tweets.”