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Brach’s ‘Turkey Dinner Candy Corn’ Is Here To Make 2020 Even More Terrible

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Image: Candy Hunting via Twitter

The year’s most horrifying Halloween apparition is bloodcurdling its way to candy aisle shelves across America, according to top candy blogs and experts. Candy Hunting, the hard-hitting confection industry investigative journalists who’ve uncovered such sickening scandals as Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos and Wendy’s Baconator Pringles, now report the existence of Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn — yes, candy corn that is flavored like turkey, green beans, cranberry sauce, ginger glazed carrot, sweet potato pie, and stuffing. If there is a God, he/she/they should just smite American now and put us out of our misery.

The above post is confirmed independently by a second source, food mashup enthusiast Pupp Reviews. In reviewing all six hellscape flavors, Pupp Reviews says of the turkey candy corn, “This flavor is downright wrong to be in candy, but still enjoyed the taboo experience.” The other five flavors scored pretty well, actually, except for the stuffing flavored candy corn.

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Brach's Turkey Dinner candy corn: That's right! Brachs went all out and all, weird this year with a bag of candy corn brandishing SIX different flavors! Listed below is our impression on each along with what we believed the color combination was, in case you try them yourself. We admit, some of the flavors are hard to differentiate, so let us know if you think otherwise! Green Beans (all green): Sweet with that field-fresh after taste. Honestly, kind of enjoyable. Turkey (Yellow bottom, brown tip): We'd say odd, but that would be forgiving. This flavor is downright wrong to be in candy, but still enjoyed the taboo experience. Cranberry sauce (all red): Also delicious! Kind of sour-sweet. Carrot (all orange): Sweet and delicious with a little bit of spice! Sweet potato pie (white bottom, orange tip): Amazing! Great cinnamon flavor on the after taste. Stuffing (brown bottom, white tip): Another forbidden fruit like the turkey one. Credit to @connorpupp for the release information. Credit to @brachscandy for the daring creativity. Credit to @walgreens for the courageous supply order.

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The product does not appear on Brach’s official candy corn listings, but a third confirmation of this confectionary blasphemy can be seen below from hustlekitten. In all three cases where this candy was located in the wild, the Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn was found in a Walgreens Halloween display, which do typically go up in mid-August.

We hit our local Walgreens to try to confirm this item exists, but as seen below, our local Walgreens is an incredibly sad and bleak place that hardly has any candy at all.

It’s not inconceivable that Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn might turn out to be kind of tasty. West coast artisan ice cream parlor chain Salt & Straw did turkey ice cream and five other Thanksgiving flavors in 2017, and the results were pretty fantastic. We’ll keep an eye out to see if this creepy confection arrives in the Bay Area, that is, if God does not smite America in the meantime.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.