7 Simple Ways to Get Joe Biden Elected

Updated: Feb 12, 2021 11:00
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photo by Gage Skidmore

Before those of us whose sanity is somehow still intact, get into the nitty gritty of actionable steps to support a candidate, I’d like to take a moment to make a statement to any leftist that doesn’t want to support the DNC right now.

I was, am, and forever will be a supporter of Bernie Sanders. I raised money for his campaign in 2015 with stand up showcases in Oklahoma City. I have argued with every relative, high school friend, conservative comedian, and person that has said a single negative comment about a man that has dedicated his life towards bettering the lives of the people who need it the most. I was at his rally at Queens Plaza and got to touch his hand as he walked by. After Albert Camus, he is my hero.

If I can stomach voting for Joe Biden, then so can you. Grow the fuck up, people are literally dying by the thousand daily.

So now, for the reasonable people, here are seven ways you can help Joe Biden win against a Captain Planet villain:

Registering to Vote and Voting

This one may seem pretty obvious, but as 100,000,000 people didn’t vote in 2016, it seems pretty important to remind people that voting is the number one thing we can do right now. As polling stations are being shut down, and the USPS getting defunded, more so now than ever we need to fight tooth and nail for our right to vote, and then exercise it. You can register to vote and make sure you’re still registered right here.


You can sign up here to become a canvasser for Biden or even just walk around your neighborhood in your robe and coffee shouting “Vote for Biden You Dumb Fucks” (don’t really though). Canvassing is important because you can catch people that emails or phone banking don’t. Unfortunately due to COVID, this option may not be available in your area.

Phone Banking

You know what doesn’t spread Corona (or at least not yet)? Dolly Parton.

This Boss Bitch follows CDC guidelines.

But also phone calls. And yes, we all hate getting phone calls from numbers not in our phone now. But we need to take every measure we can to get that vote for Not Trump. You can sign to phon bank right here. You can learn about phone bank trainings right here.

Have Uncomfortable Arguments

Look, don’t go up to some MAGA hat lackey and start shouting in their face about sustainability. That would probably just get you punched, and odds are you can’t take a hit like you think you can. But it’s become necessary to have this conversation with relatives, associates, and those weird random Facebook friends that you don’t really know but kinda, but who are now posting really weird and problematic stuff, seemingly out of nowhere, and you’re like ‘the fuck?’ scrolling while trying to eat your dinner Cheerios in front of Tuca and Bertie. Was I making a point? Oh yeah, take the time to explain to the dum-dums in your life who just don’t get it.

Become a Poll Worker

What’s a better way to ensure that people are allowed to vote, and help get them through the voting process in this virus nightmare we’re surrounded in, than becoming the person that ensures votes are taken and accounted for? Every state has different requirements for becoming a registered poll worker. Just google “become a poll worker” and your state.


It may seem silly. Since there are so many Super PACs and large donation donors, the $1.85 you found doing laundry seems trivial. And spending wise, it is. BUT symbolically it holds a lot of power. It’s a chance to “vote with your dollar” as it were. The more individuals who make contributions to Uncle Biden’s Wacky Funtime Tour will help to show that, no, most Americans don’t actually support Trump. Just his idiotic Loud Minority, so it’s time for us to be an even louder majority. You can donate to Joe Biden’s campaign right here. You should also consider donating to other down ballot progressive candidates who need your money.

Write Your Congressperson to Dismantle the Electoral College

OK, so, this is a big one. Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states have the power to force electors to vote for their party’s candidate for president. At first this seems like a win, but there are a lot of problems with the Electoral College.

First, if you are unclear on how the Electoral College works, Politico has a nice outline for you.

But in brief, when you vote for a candidate, you actually vote for that party’s elector to go vote on your behalf. So a vote for Biden, actually is a vote for the elector who will go to your state capital to put in their vote. Now, with the Supreme Court ruling these electors are forced to vote for their party’s candidate. The number of electors each state gets is supposed to be determined by populace in each district. But because of Gerrymandering, the ratio of voters to electors in each state varies wildly.



Population: 1,069,000 approx

Electoral Votes: 3

Ratio: 1: 356,333



Population: 39,510,000 approx

Electoral Votes: 55

Ratio: 1: 718,363

It takes nearly 400,000 more votes in California to get a single Electoral Vote. This is how Clinton lost in 2016 and this is how Gore lost in 2000. And each time a Republican was elected instead, the National Deficit has taken exponential leaps, we’ve gone into two different Recessions, started several wars and conflicts, locked children in cages, and seen surges in racially charged violence.

I understand that Biden isn’t a great candidate. I personally have been very vocal about my discontent with the Democratic establishment. But that’s something we’ll work on every single day. Let’s get Biden in office and then constantly remind him how he got there, and that we’re watching his every single step.

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Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin is an absurdist, and not particularly tall. Their hair color changes frequently to avoid paternity suits.

Once Sonny watched a sea catch on fire. The reflections of the embers beamed off the Red Sea in the Saharan night, as they tried to remember a past long forgotten. They felt the heat from the flames as the wind swirled around them, thrusted up sand and seemed to reshape the dunes in front of their eyes. It was then that they knew. It was time to move on.


  1. Grazia Caroselli
    September 10, 2020 at 12:27 pm

    Love, love, love what you guys are writing and offering! Keep up the good work…Hugs, Grazia