Why Phnom Penh Is Oakland’s Best Restaurant

Image courtesy of Ton T

Oakland is a town filled with opinions. Is Oakland the best, coolest, hippest place on the West Coast? Or is it a dystopian slum with sky high crime and little opportunity? It depends on who you’re talking to. According to the sign telling me to “love life” Oakland has around 420,000 inhabitants, which is funny because, ‘ya know, weed or something, but one thing is undeniable: Oakland has good ass food. 

I don’t give a fuck about what you think of Oakland. Most of the negative shit people say about Oakland is true. There is a lot of crime, there is a disparity between the haves and have-nots that is severely depressing and no matter how many activists pop up, Oakland is pretty fucking segregated despite its reputation for diversity. Would you call Rockridge diverse? Exactly. 

There are exceptions to this, though. One of those exceptions is East Oakland’s Laurel District (PATTERSON AVENUE, WHAT UP) And in the Laurel, right on MacArthur, is Oakland’s best restaurant, Phnom Penh. 

The fucked up part is I would have never even stepped in this marvelous kingdom of deliciousness if it wasn’t for a burrito place I used to go to when I was a kid across the street being closed, but I’m glad I did because Phnom Penh shits on everything else in Oakland. This isn’t an opinion. Go there. Order the Slaap Moarn Borg. You’re welcome, you ungrateful swine. 

Not only is the food good, but the service is exceptional.

Not only is the food good, but the service is exceptional. There’s only like 3 people in the entire fucking place, at least it appears that way, and your glass is always refilled, the food always arrives in a timely manner and the staff there are always friendly. They smile at you as if you’re an old friend. I don’t know these fucking people, but when I go there, I feel like I’m visiting the Cambodian grandma I never had, and it’s fucking lit. 

SLAAP MOARN BORG!!!!!!

If you’ve never had Cambodian food, it’s kinda like Chinese food and Indian food had really hot sex and produced the tastiest baby in the world. But I’m White, so there’s probably a better comparison, but I’m too uncultured to make it. Anthony Bourdain would have said something better. I am not Anthony Bourdain. I run a meme page. Lower your standards. I’m a fucking loser. 

But even if you’re a loser, you can eat like a winner, which is exactly what I did at Phnom Penh, which is factually the best restaurant in Oakland. It’s also the best restaurant in San Francisco. It’s not in San Francisco, but it is somehow the best restaurant in San Francisco. Go figure. 

Literally everything I’ve had here tastes fucking good. There’s nothing bad on the menu. It’s a hole in the wall worth entering. 

I think Anthony Bourdain said something wanting to beat the shit out of Henry Kissenger. Which makes sense, if you read history even badly, you probably want to beat the shit out of Henry Kissenger, but after eating at Phnom Penh, I really want to beat the shit out of Henry Kissenger. When Henry Kissenger dies, I’m going to throw a party at Phnom Penh. Everyone is going to be eating Slaap Moarn Borg (which smacks, but doesn’t slap, contrary to the name) and dancing. It’s going to be great.

There’s also one in Alameda. You can go to either one. I just like this one more because it’s literally 8 seconds from the house I lived in when I was a kid. So I like it more. 

Here are Phnom Penh’s locations: 

3912 MacArthur Blvd Oakland, CA 94619

1514 Webster St Alameda, CA 94501

I’ll end the article with this: 

“ Once you’ve been to Cambodia, you’ll never stop wanting to beat Henry Kissinger to death with your bare hands. You will never again be able to open a newspaper and read about that treacherous, prevaricating, murderous scumbag sitting down for a nice chat with Charlie Rose or attending some black-tie affair for a new glossy magazine without choking. Witness what Henry did in Cambodia – the fruits of his genius for statesmanship – and you will never understand why he’s not sitting in the dock at The Hague next to Milošević.”

– Anthony Bourdain

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