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4 Things That Will Straight Up Piss Your Server Off

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Whenever you go into a restaurant, you want the experience to be as pleasing as possible. I mean, no one goes out to eat with the intention of having a bad time other than a few miserable, sadistic, souls who have that as their kink. One way to make certain your time is a good one is to not piss off your server who has the keys to the good time kingdom. There are a few ways that you may inadvertently upset your server without even knowing it, so try not to do these four things.

Ask for separate checks when you don’t need them. I once served three people who were adamant about their need for three separate checks. Even though it was the height of our lunch rush and the system the restaurant used for placing orders was one step above carving into a stone tablet, I agreed to do it for them. All three of them then proceeded to order the exact same thing; Chicken Caesar salad with a Diet Coke. When I placed the three checks on the table at the end of the meal, they each paid with a twenty-dollar bill and asked for no change. The effort that went into making three separate checks was absolutely pointless. Was I pissed? Yes. Yes, I was.

Complain about something, but then don’t accept a solution. If you aren’t happy with your meal or service and it’s something the restaurant can amend, you should feel alright about expressing your concerns. 99% of restaurant workers want to make it right. (The other 1% write blogs about their lives.) However, if the complaining is simply for the act of complaining, don’t do it.

When a woman told me that her salmon was undercooked, I offered to put it back on the grill for two more minutes. “No, that’s okay, I’ll just eat it like this, even though it’s awful,” she told me. “No, let me make it right for you,” I pleaded.  She would not allow it, but continued to gripe about it for the rest of her meal. Rather than let me fix the problem, she wanted something to be unhappy about. Even as she left, she made sure to tell me one more time how disappointing her salmon was. I reminded her that I could have fixed it for her, but by that point, I was so pissed off that the only thing I wanted to throw back on the grill for two minutes was her Joan of Arc martyr ass.

Ask for something and don’t use it. Some people just like to get whatever they can even if they don’t need it. Maybe it’s their desire to feel like they are getting their money’s worth or maybe the man who orders “water for everyone” likes to feel powerful. But if you aren’t going to use it, it wastes whatever it is you asked for and it also wastes your server’s time.

When I served an all-you-can-eat-brunch, a gentleman asked me what beverages were included in the price. “Everything,” I told him. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and he said, “then I’ll take one of each.” I begrudgingly brought him orange juice, grapefruit juice, coffee, soda, water, a mimosa, and a Bloody Mary. “You have milk?” he wanted to know. I then served him a pint glass of heavy cream. An hour later, I poured out almost all of these drinks, but my heart grew three sizes that afternoon when I saw he had completely finished his glass of “milk” with its 844 calories.

Don’t say “I know you’re closed” and then stay anyway. It’s fine if you’re still in a restaurant after closing hours. You can’t be expected to time your last swallow of food to perfectly coincide with the hours of operation. But once the restaurant is closed, you should, at last, make an effort to skedaddle. If you repeatedly acknowledge that you know the place is closed, but you don’t leave, it makes you look like you don’t care. It’s pretty much announcing that you know the rules, but you’re not going to follow them.

Don’t piss off the person who handles your food.

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Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter

Darron Cardosa is a writer, actor, singer, and waiter. He lives and and works in New York City and enjoys "The Brady Bunch," "The Facts of Life" and cocktails almost as much as he hates your baby.