Facebook Owes You Money: Here’s How To Get It!

Photo of Mark Zuckerberg Courtesy of: Anthony Quintano

Remember the whole Russia Gate thing? If you don’t, I’m referring to when we were told that Russian spies were hacking our data to destroy our democracy. Well, there was some truth to that, but American companies are not ones to be outdone by the Eastern Bloc. And while that is horrible news for our country, it might be good news for your wallet. Well, in the short term, I guess… 

Back in 2018, Facebook was rightfully sued for selling your data without permission to a company called Cambridge Analytica. Well, Facebook was actually sued for a ton of shit, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The lawsuit alleged that Facebook (or Meta now, I guess) was selling private user data to third party companies who would then use that data to basically sell you shit and radicalize you. 

How did they radicalize you? Well, they’d build a personality profile on you based on the shit you consumed and would then try to use that info to turn you into a Trump Supporter. 

Contrary to what the Supreme Court may have you believe, corporations are not people. Their values are surface level and change with the times. They are not based on some sort of static moral standard. Their morals follow the money. 

“Facebook illegally sold my data to a company working for Donald Trump! Impossible! They’re a progressive Bay Area company. They would never do such a thing!” Is what your initial reaction is. But the truth of the matter is, that progressive companies, especially large multinational progressive companies, don’t exist. And when it comes to making money, their belief system or the company’s “cultural values” are the first things to be sacrificed.

Do you know why? Contrary to what the Supreme Court may have you believe, corporations are not people. Their values are surface level and change with the times. They are not based on some sort of static moral standard. Their morals follow the money. 

I’m not kidding. Facebook ALLEGEDLY sold your data to make personalized ads so you would go full Trump. I call it the Kid Rock effect. One day you’re a well meaning white guy with cornrows, the next day you’re shooting cans of Bud Light because a trans person pissed in the urinal next to you. And in a country without guaranteed healthcare, reproductive rights, or sick leave, there’s no bigger issue to argue about than someone who’s slightly different than you on a can of beer.

Now you’re probably wondering how you collect this money. Here’s how: Click this link. Then fill out the information, and wait to get paid. I don’t know how much money you’re going to get, but even if it’s like a dollar, it feels good taking money out of Mark Zuckerberg’s pocket.

Considering all of the unethical behavior domestic tech companies participate in, it’s deeply ironic that the US is so obsessed with banning TikTok. Does TikTok do shady shit? Undoubtedly. Is it any worse than what we’re doing? Probably not. 

Anyway, all this typing has gotten me thirsty. It’s time to enjoy the timeless flavor of America’s transest (is that a word?) beer: Bud Light. 

I don’t even like Bud Light. I just like Kid Rock less. 

Bawitdaba. 

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