Letters From A Teenage Addict

TRIGGER WARNING

(I write these pieces so people in similar situations realize they’re not alone.)

These are some excerpts of my writing as a teenager. It’s mind blowing to see the shift in perception over the years. I never could have imagined a life without drugs or desiring them everyday, and although it’s been hard lately I’m still doing it. Recovery isn’t linear but it’s always possible as long as you strive for it. There’s always hope. Life is sweeter without drugs driving every moment from one point to the next. 

September 6, 2012

It’s weird that I’ve tricked everyone into believing that I’m sober. This feels odd but whatever, it floats my boat. It’s weird that no one notices it, but maybe my behavior isn’t any more odd than how it usually is. My forensics teacher has dealt with people under the influence of a lot of drugs, whenever I talk to cops they can’t tell. My therapist can’t really tell unless I’m hyper but she thinks I’m tweaking even when I’m not, and my damn psychiatrist didn’t notice either! I had just smoked like not even an hour before seeing him too. Like, holy shit, man, I don’t even know what to do with this advantage.

I spent a lot of time hiding my behavior as a teen. Being a teenage addict was never easy. I went to great lengths to protect my drug use. I was absolutely infatuated with drugs and I couldn’t fathom a life without them. They felt integral to my developing self-identity. My ego found joy in being able to use drugs while deceiving the people around me. 

September 12, 2012

I’m sad and I wouldn’t mind if I died today. I’m selfish because I’m always using “I’m”. I feel fat and disgusting and I hate myself. I ate too much food today. 

I still need to buy a new pipe and then I have to worry about buying more crystal. I can’t do without it, I need it and I don’t know how I’m going to get more money. But I’m not desperate enough to stoop down to an addict’s level.

I dealt with a lot of emotional ups and downs. Being an adolescent is tumultuous enough but throwing drugs in the mix made for a wild rollercoaster ride that I sometimes wished would end. I always found a way to get money or befriend someone who had what I needed. 

October 5, 2012

Hey, look at what I, a dedicated druggie, achieved. Suck on that, society. I’m gonna be successful, I’m gonna be somebody and in the most important time of my development and transition between child and adult, I became a chronic drug user. And I’ll prolly continue on with it until I grow out of it, and if I don’t, then forever. Proving the stats wrong.

In high school I maintained a 4.0 GPA my junior and senior year while abusing methamphetamine. I had such a huge ego about my academic ability and being a functioning addict. I thought I could only be successful if I maintained my life like that. 

November 3, 2012

I miss meth because everything was better when I was spun out every day. I might have been just going through the motions without enjoying life but at least I was getting shit done. I miss sitting in my room, smoking bowls straight to the dome and doing homework autonomously. I hate that I struggle with my concentration and attention.

I need a break. I’m living in a loop and I don’t see a point in it cos it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I need some time off, I want to hit “pause” on my life and resume it later. I’ll go back to it when I’m less tired and when I feel like there’s a reason to keep living. I don’t want to live the life I’ve been forced into.

I was so in love with this toxic drug. It was literally killing me but I couldn’t imagine my life without it. I romanticized this drug and I made it out to be my magic elixir. It made me feel the best I’ve ever felt. I was focused without being tweaky. I was rail thin but I always had been. It didn’t take long for me to lose my grip on everything. I had to drop out of school and go to rehab when I was 19. And that still couldn’t get me clean. There was still a lot of road left to travel.