The 10 Worst Places to Have Sex in San Francisco

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This article has been written for your safety.  Firsthand observations have brought us to these 10 conclusions, and we share them with you in the spirit of safe sex.  Here are the absolute worst places to ‘do it’ in San Francisco:

10. Paddle Boat On Stow Lake

You think it’s romantic now, and that you’ll have an awesome engagement story, a wonderful ‘ferry-tale’ to tell at brunch. Well you’re wrong.  Paddle boats tip over during sexual encounters approx. 83% of the time.  You’ll end up at the bottom of a lake faster that you can say ‘thar she blows’.

9. The Bathroom at Delirium

Not because it’s disgusting (it is) but because it’s been done so many times.  Banging a stranger in the bathroom at Delirium is so 1997.

8. This Meter Maid’s Little Car

Photo compliments of Hoodline, thank you hoodline

Oh, you thought you could give me a ticket for not curbing my wheels did you Mr. Meter man?  Revenge sex comes in many forms, and this maid had to smell our ‘revenge’ in that tiny little cabin for a week.  The sex was terrible but the revenge was sweet.

8. On BART

You can find this nasty video if you look for ‘Bart Sex’ on the internet long enough.  In other news, unreliable sources within BART have told us that this is the real reason trains do not run after 12:30am.  Strongly avoid.

7. In the Fountain at the Legion of Honor

Don’t even think about it dirtbag.  Just because your Aunt bought you a 1-year membership does not give you the right to fornicate in Rodin’s front yard.  Or at least that is what they wrote on my restraining order.

5. In a Crab Cage on Fisherman’s Wharf

Trust us, no matter what Lester the fisherman tells you, Crab is not an aphrodisiac, and ‘doing it’ in a crab cage on Fisherman’s Wharf is not a ‘time honored’ SF tradition.  If you want to get screwed, just stop in at anyone of the tourist traps.

4. On a Water bed w/ Broke-Ass Stuart

If this picture does not tell you all you need to know, then I cannot help you.

3. The Gorilla Preserve at SF Zoo

We never made it over the wall, and our rendezvous with ‘Mo-Mo’ never happened.  A tragedy of Shakespearean proportions ensued.

2. Porta-Potty During Bay 2 Breakers

Don’t take up a place to pee with your selfishness, find a nice weird place in the park to do it in, with that Ninja Turtle you met, who has the nice drugs.

1.On a Sidewalk in San Francisco

There’s nothing wrong with public sex, but lets get creative people.  The sidewalk?  Really? everyone knows there is entirely too much poop on our sidewalks to enjoy a frolic.  Think again, review the above list and expand your horizons.