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Open Letter to Justin Keller

Dear Mr. Justin Keller,

Thank you for your letter voicing your concern over the current problems facing our fair city, San Francisco. I read that you’ve been here over 3 years, so I can imagine how hard it must be for you to see the city change from the clean, quiet tourist destination of 2013 to the vile, riffraff-saturated hovel of 2016. Let me assure you that we take this problem seriously and that we are ashamed and appalled by the few unsavory characters that ruined the special holiday weekend for your family, trekking from suburbs far and wide, as well as your poor girlfriend. As a result of your letter here are some changes we, as a city, will be making to insure that nothing like this ever happens again.


Riff Raff. Ew.

To begin, I notice from your command of the written word that you are, as you say, highly educated. Personally, I have never seen commas used in quite such a sporadic, artistic manner. And as though your innovative approach to punctuation wasn’t enough, you casually garnish your letter with the philosophical musings of none other than the man himself, Socrates. It’s almost like you took Introduction to Philosophy and didn’t fall asleep at all. Impressive, Justin.

Taking your cue, we’ve decided that a well-educated population is a key first step to Make The City Great Again. I think you’ll be tickled to hear then that we have instituted a 99% tax on all income above $100,000, with the revenue going to support education for the poor, homeless, addicted and incarcerated. Just think, Justin, in nearly no time at all you’ll be walking to work without stepping over the foul reminders of a broken system. Instead, you and your fellow philosophers can finally spend the quiet morning hours discussing the utopia that your hoverboard delivery app, Roomba Service, is helping create.

roomba shark cat

Shark Cats delivered to your door in 30 min or less with Roomba Service.

Speaking of utopia, you are astute in noticing that the streets did seem a little, what’s a good way to phrase this… brighter during the Super Bowl. There were a few articles going around the Internet at the time, but I’m not sure if TechCrunch ran anything so I totally understand that you missed it. What happened was that our supreme leader, Ed Lee, created a clean up crew to rid our streets of the homeless and their disgusting tent cities. The problem is that the public is largely a bunch of pussies that pissed and moaned about it being El Nino season or something. I mean, get an umbrella, am I right? I know you feel me, Justin.

tent city

Poor people. And Camping. Gross

To appease those bitches but still Make The City Great Again, all the new, unsold glass condos in the city are now fair game for anyone living on the streets. I think you’re going to love this, Justin. Imagine, mom and pop strolling the lovely streets of SOMA without fear of scarring sights like urban campers, turned-away mental health patients or, worse, sickly old women huddled in trash cans for warmth. It makes me sick to think that your family was ever subjected to reality without so much as a trigger warning—sick, I tell you. I vomited right the fuck on my coffee table, Justin.

However, the future is bright. As you said, democracy is only temporary. I promise that soon we will reach that pinnacle of governance you and your boy Plato call tyranny—have I mentioned how refreshing it is to hear young people quoting Greek philosophers with such accuracy and attention to context? Well, it is. I feel like I did the first time I wet-wiped after a solid hangover dump. Fuck, it’s good. Seriously though, J-Bone, the first thing we’re going to do when the light turns dictator is rid the city of those who come here offering nothing, but taking what they please. Kooks, criminals, brogrammers and public vapers will be whisked away in all-white trucks straight to suburban Palo Alto where they can live in peace among Applebee’s, shopping malls and futuristic movie theaters. Bonus: no queers!* Until then, Justin, we’ll be seeing you around. Make sure you say hello if you pass us on the street so that we can thank you for all you’ve done in working to Make The City Great Again.

Sincerely and Apologetically,

San Francisco

*Not guaranteed. They often shape-shift, looking to the casual passerby like creatures with souls. Use caution when approaching strangers. The world is truly terrifying.

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Jason Crase

Jason Crase

Jason writes about whatever you pay him to. He has no scruples, dignity or moral compass. Approach with money.

He also dabbles heavily in loud music, black coffee & brain-melting conversations.