Look, I’m not a selfish person. I don’t ask for much, I pay my taxes, I give the occasional financial pledge to the destitute and homeless, I hold doors open for strangers. I do good things. So grant me your understanding and spare me your judgment when I tell you

This Saturday, a very rare and magical thing will happen. Green grass will be seen at McCarren park, wait time at Turkey’s Nest will be less than 5 minutes, and the number of times you think “ZOMG, that’s Zach Galifianakis! Oh… wait, no, it’s not” will be significantly reduced. Siren