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Funny Translations of Tech News

Just because you get the news about all the wonderful things happening in technology, doesn’t mean you know what the fuck it means. Luckily, we break it down for you, in a hilarious manner, so your friends think you’re smart and know stuff.

The Tech News: 

Tim Ferriss has received $1.2 million dollars in Kickstarter funding for Exo bars: high-protein, low-glycemic cookies that are rich in cricket protein. (Yes, crickets the bug.) He’s solving the problem of inadequate office snacks for the many people who work at companies that provide these high-sugar, productivity-killers to employees for free.

exo-bars

The Translation:

“Inadequate office snacks” becomes the only first-world problem to be solved by a third-world food staple.

The Tech News:

An app called Robinhood just got $13 million in funding to fuel its mission of stock trading without broker fees. The founders believe these $7-10 fees prevent young people (and others who don’t have millions of dollars) from investing and they want to lower the barrier to entry so that anyone can become an investor. As one founder explained, “We ask ourselves, ‘if we were to use a financial service that called itself Robinhood, what would we expect it to do?’”

robinhood

 

The Translation:

“We named this app Robinhood because we couldn’t think of a literary hero whose motto was, ‘Rob from the upper middle class and give to the younger, upwardly mobile middle class.”

The Tech News:

Estimote, a hardware company that makes beacons, has launched a new indoor location feature. By setting up four beacons around a room to define a space, users can track visitors as they move around that room. Businesses will now be able to get detailed information about how shoppers behave inside a store.

estimote

The Translation:

When people find about this, they’re going to think back to the good old days when their privacy was only violated online.

The Tech News:

In a statement, Apple said that the reports of the iPhone 6 Plus bending under pressure were grossly exaggerated. An Apple spokesperson said that in the first six days, there were only nine reported cases of bent iPhones. A chief executive of a company that customizes and iPhones said, “The only way an iPhone may have bent is if someone put it in their back pocket and sat on the phone for a very long time.”

iphone-6-bending

 

The Translation:

Some people just shouldn’t wear skinny jeans under any circumstances. Apple has now identified nine of them.

 

Photos from The Mirror, motogo, estimate, geekongadgets

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Rachel Balik - Low-Brow Luminary

Rachel Balik - Low-Brow Luminary

Rachel has explored a number of badly paying jobs over the years, including nanny, off-Broadway production assistant, philosophy grad student, journalist, teacher and assistant at a yoga studio. She is now in her best paying job as a tech marketer, but retains her broke cred by earning a fraction of what most 23-year-old male engineers do.

  • Jon

    Nice piece. This makes me wonder how much tech comedy I’ve been missing, and if I should become a day trader too. Can you please offer career advice along with translations in the next one?