The Dildo: Facing the Competition

A real gem

Last week, at an undisclosed location, in an unattended bathroom, a dildo fell into sight from its hiding spot behind some shampoo.  I laughed.  Then, when I picked it up, I realized that I had NEVER actually touched a dildo before.  Strange, considering I feel like I’ve seen and done alot in my 25 years.  I examined the contraption, with its extended frenumlum and weird protruding hook-knob, like a clitoris stimulating verison of the lantern fish’s bioluminescent bulb.  There was a prominent gelatinous vein running down the shaft and at the midsection, under a patch of transparent plastic sheathing, were some pearly beads.  Fucking little arts and crafts beads that crunched and moved like large particles of sand packed together.  Is this what we men are up against?!

Ok, so women are using this multi-textural, sculptural work of art.  Some are basic, but often they they come in tons of colors and sizes, with an unbelievable array of options and gizmos powered by small electric motors. They can be glass, silk, acryllic, rubber.  They can be water-cooled and retain heat. This is the proxy penis: engineered -probably “ergonomic” – to optimially stimulate a woman with vibrations and G-spot stimulating bent whangs.  Some shoot stuff.

Let’s turn to men, who typically use a slightly less advanced proxy for a vagina: the hand. It is not even an attempt at replicating a vagina, since it is already its own distinguished anatomical part.  Then, sometimes we might branch off and use a sock or pillow, still by no means hard to upstage if say you are a real vagina. Dudes in high school (I would NEVER) would talk about cutting open shampoo bottles or taking two water balloons and lubing them with conditioner and humping them.  Women are certainly operating on a different level.  There are a few fellatio replicators on the market and the Blossom Sleeve (“like taking your dick to the prom”), but I feel like these are so fringe and under-utilized that comparisons to the dildo don’t stand.  No, it is really the dildo versus the hand.   Or maybe I am assuming too many women use dildos just because one fell out of a bathroom wall.

There is something refreshing though.  According to the Babeland.com –  a purveyor of sex toys, sex knowledge, and sex skills – The Bandit is one of the most popular dildos because of its realism.  Don’t start reading the reviews unless you have will of steel or time to kill.  Looks like diamond encrusted cocks that can make you breakfast can only go so far, but a VixSkin dildo with a scalp rubbing extension and sweet-nothing stereo might spell trouble.