Top 5 Amusing/Horrible Gmail Contextual Ads

Inspired by this piece in Jezebel earlier this week, I decided to do a search of all my dating-related emails to see what kind of advice Gmail, the frenemy I never asked for, had to offer.  Needless to say, hilarity/horror ensued.   Here are the top 5.
 

1.    Some guy I dated pseudo-apologizing for saying some truly heinous things to me after I dumped him.  Actually, this was the third unanswered email he sent me apologizing for these things he said.  Google produced these accompanying  ads: “How to Get a Girl Back”, “How To Apologize” (because clearly, this dude needed help), “My Husband Back to Me?:  Tried To Save My Relationship, Nothing Worked”, and last but not least,  “Jump Into the Spirit World”.

2.   I was writing a summary of some ridiculous night to a friend.  Basically, I had just confessed my “like” for this dude, freaked out, and left before he could figure out which way was was up.  It was a low moment in time, ok?  Don’t ask me what I was thinking….ask Gmail!: “Growth Without Therapists”; “Contribute Your Story: Participate In the New Self-Help Book ‘It Is Okay'”; “EL-METHOD: How To Overcome Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem”; and my favorite, “Stop Teen Anger”.

3.  A few years ago (thanks Google archive)I was writing my friend on the West Coast about life in general and happened to go on and on ad nauseum about a guy I was dating and was really into at the time.  Apparently, Gmail thought it was time I started thinking about my biological clock: “Ready To Have a Baby?”, “Teach Your Baby To Sleep”.  Gmail also thought  I needed to know how I can “Cure My Cellulite”, and learn “Artery Clearing Secrets.”  The most bizarre one: “Coffee Exposed: The Secret That Coffee Companies Don’t Want You To Know”.  Apparently, talking about that dude to my friend means that I am the living embodiment of a Cathy cartoon.

4.  One of my friends has a bit of a history (or problem, rather) of doing some serious spying on her boyfriends– going through their shit, taking screen shots of their ex-girlfriends, etc.  This email was summarized her spy work on a dude she was dating at the time.  The funny part was, that she was also writing to me because that same dude was alone at her house, and she was relieved that he wasn’t a “rifler” (like her, I guess). Ha!  The ads had this to say: “Top Spying Sunglasses”, “Crazy Sister”, and “Find Cheap Omg Now”.

5.  I’m not going to name names, but there was discussion about a threesome that had occurred.  This was probably the best set of ads ever: “Mario Batali’s Knife”, “Fun Kettlebell Training”, and of course, “Juggling Balls”.

If you have some to share, drop some hilarious/horrible gmail contextual ads on us!