Alternate Universe?: 10 Gay People You’d Like To Date (and/or Bone)

Being a straight lady, I get greedy sometimes when it comes to my fantasies.  Though, honestly, isn’t that the point?  Let’s take a trip to Gayville, (population: you!) and drool over what you supposedly can’t have.  Who knows, you could learn something about yourself.  If you’re already gay, well then, my work here is done:

1. Rock Hudson

Nothing says “I throw constructed gender roles out the window” quite like being an admirer of Rock Hudson.  He’s the quintessential barrel-chested butch we’d all love to fuck and then wink at ourselves for being so cheekily subversive.  All joking and pretentious self-indulgence aside, he’s be a fascinating person to talk to in that regard.  And all AIDS aside, the sex would be pretty hot.

2. Portia DeRossi

I mean, it’s freakin’ Lindsay Bluthe Funke, what else is there to say?  There is nothing more sexy than a good sense of humor; especially about ones’s self.  She’s so criminally underrated and under-used in comedy, it makes me want to call the Bobbies.

3. Kyan Douglas

I know I’m going to get tons of shit for this, since he is one of the five horsemen of Bravo’s apocalypse as a watchable channel.  And yes, he is everything that’s wrong with LGBT representation, epitomizing both the worst kind of simplistic understanding of sexuality and a blatant, revolting pandering to consumerism.  But, hear me out.  I see him quite a lot in the streets of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  And goddammit if he doesn’t take my breath away every single time.  It has me cursing the day that I was born a woman for that 2 seconds he’s around.  In other words, he’d be hot for a quick screw.

4. Rachel Maddow

What a cliche, at this point, it is to say that you have the hots for Rachel Maddow.  But, damn, she’s still hot, she’s still smart and diplomatic, and I’m still jealous of her glasses.

5. Jenny Shimizu

Yet another attractive person I often see out and about on the streets of New York.  She’s pretty legendary in the nightlife scene in NY historically, and is probably the only culturally visible androgynous Asian female model I can think of…not to mention that I think she and Angelina Jolie were dating at some point, I think, pre-Billy Bob.  I’m sure one would have lots to talk about when she’s not chomping down on one’s box.

6. Cary Grant

I read an amazing anecdote about Cary Grant talking Carrie Fischer out of taking LSD in Carrie Fisher’s newest hilarious memoir Wishful Drinking.  It made me realize even more how amazing he must have been– both as the ultimate dupe gay cockney British man as a widely admired refined and classy gentleman and, just as a totally hilariously out of touch movie star of yesteryear.

7. David Sedaris

Come to think of it, Rachel Maddow is kind of David Sedaris-esque in her sartorial/aesthetic choices, no?  Anywho, David Sedaris REALLY makes me wish I was born a man and/or his longtime partner, Hugh.  He’s honestly one of the best and most influential literary non-fiction humorists of the past twenty years, and in my eyes, he can do no wrong.

8. Jodie Foster

One of the most memorable moments in the history of child actors belongs to Jodie Foster, when, in Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, she triumphantly parts from a police station with the following CLASSIC line: “SO LONG, SUCKERS!”  Seriously, the delivery of that line is fucking genius, not to mention the fact that a billion years after The Silence of the Lambs, not matter how hyper-over-parodied and excruciatingly dated the film is now, I still watch it and can’t help but be enthralled with her performance.  She’s a perfect combination of devastating beauty and a bottomless depth of wit, intelligence and soul in nearly every performance she gives.  In short: I’d do ‘er!

9. Montgomery Clift

Now THIS is a guy with whom I’d like to have a conversation!  From crazy rumored on-and-off set antics, to his nearly fatal plane crash, and BFF-status with wacky Liz Taylor,  does the “fun” ever start with this guy?  Also, he’s pretty hot– even after the reconstructive surgery.

10. k.d. Lang

I can’t think of many things as sexy as this photoshoot.  Clearly, I have a type!  But who can resist butchy country crooners?  I sure can’t.  And that’s my “takeaway”.   What’s YOURS?