Protect Ya Neck!

Saturday I got super wasted and it was totally an accident.  Things started out innocently enough- a couple of beers with my sister while we waited for my boyfriend to get off of work.  Then he arrived and we had one more .  Then she went home and my boyfriend and I met for dinner with one of our friends who insisted we all have some whiskey which sounded like a fine idea.  We were then led to another bar where we drank more beer and then home to smoke perhaps the most ill-advised bowl of all time. It was upon my drunken arrival home where, after watching my housemates toss our  jack o’lantern into the street, I made the brilliant decision to remove my shoes and run around in new and very slippery stockings. This led to not one, not two, but three tumbles on the stairs (once falling up, twice falling down)and I woke up Sunday feeling like, well, a person who falls down the stairs drunk.

So yes, getting wasted sometimes gets out of control and while it’s all very much fun at the time, it really sucks the next day when you wake up with the entire right side of your body looking like Rihanna post-Chris Brown.

Yeah, I said it.

Laying in bed hungover and dicking around on my laptop I read Ryan’s wonderful post, and it forced me to reflect on some of alcohol’s truly horrific consequences.  Those of you out there who have a couple of glasses of rose on a Saturday night while watching Marley and Me with your girlfriends, and think of it as grounds for changing your Facebook status to “Gettin’ Tipsy!!!”, won’t understand what I’m talking about, but the rest of you undoubtedly will.

Bruises and/or Cuts

You wake up, you roll over….wait, what the fuck is that?  You look down at your ankle/arm/ torso and see a bruise/cut/lesion that definitely wasn’t there yesterday morning.  How did that happen?  Did you get into a gangland war with tough-faced Latino eleven years olds on Avenue C?  Were you attempting to stop a terrible almost-hate-crime in Howard Beach?  No…you just realized four drinks in that trying to  ride your friend’s skateboard in wedge heels is a fantastic idea!

Accidentally Made Plans

Many is the number of  Saturday or Sunday mornings when I’ve rolled out of bed around noon to find 3 missed calls from a friend I saw last night asking whether or not I’m ready to meet for brunch….Brunch? Huh? What?  When did we decide tha- Ohhhh….Fuuuuck.  Very often, in my drunken delighted state I look forward so eagerly to sharing every single moment of life with those that I love, that I am only too happy to lay plans for the morrow which my pathetic, spent body will no doubt be too weak and withered to carry out.  Inevitably I flake on the plans which is so dick.  I’m sorry, guys.

Drunk Dial/Text/Email

There may quite possibly be nothing worse than looking at your phone the next day and realizing that you drunk dialed, texted or God forbid emailed That Person who you should under nooo circumstances reach out to at all.  If this has never happened to you, awesome; you have your shit together, probably never paid a bill late in your whole life and probably would never want to be my friend.  But if it has, you know all too well the terrible feeling of two icy hands gripping your heart and stomach as you struggle to put your headache aside and do some sort of damage control.

Oversharing

Some people are belligerent drunks, some people are slutty drunks, some people are the sad crying kind of drunk.  I’m the OhmygodImsogladyou’rehereIloveyouyouremybestfriend kind of drunk.  While it’s certainly preferable to being beliigerent it is fucking embarassing to wake up and remember that you told your boyfriend’s friend’s new girlfriend that you would “totally get on her “if you were gay.

PREVENTION

As Ryan beautifully illustrated, EAT. SOMETHING.  Something real, something substantive and rib sticking. Do not let your stupid girl vanity talk you into saving all of your caloric intake for alcohol, Ashley everyone!  If you get sick and spend Sunday vomiting in a shivering ball on your bathroom floor you will be even more bloated and disgusting than any bowl of pasta could ever make you and oh, will you regret it.

Listen To Your Heart. Yes, the words are Roxette’s but the truth is universal.  Around the time you start to feel good, like really really good. STOP DRINKING. I know, its impossible to remember at the time but just switch to water.  Switching to water for about two drinks is a great way to bring the blood alcohol level down and flush some of that booze out of your system.  If you don’t remember in time, and you find that you’re a couple of shades beyond buzzed, like maybe just a hair beyond being able to walk perfectly straight, or speak perfectly clearly or say, walk up and down stairs GO HOME.  Yes, you’re having fun but you’ve hit my man Malcolm Gladwell’s tipping point and it’s time to pack it in.

This guy...this is the guy, right here..

Don’t worry about being rude, nothings ruder than being a wasted mess anyway–just give ’em the old Irish goodbye: i.e. grab your personal effects and disappear into the night.